Nothing Poetic. Nothing Planned.

How Much Further?

2012-02-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

Not gonna lie - pregnancy is not easy. I know some say they looooooooved being pregnant, but I will readily admit I'm not in that category.

I'm thankful. I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm overjoyed. I'm in love with this new little life that's on her way. Don't misconstrue what I'm saying.

The part I DO love about being pregnant is feeling Leighton move. That is uh-mazing. Those are the moments I savor. The part of being pregnant I could certainly skip is getting so big! My personality is very active and very independent - so I typically have to force myself to skip a few household "chores" or a family outing I would otherwise be all over simply due to pure exhaustion.

This can be frustrating, but it all has to be kept in perspective. I'll only have this time in my life for no more than 13 weeks - possibly less. I'm going to cherish her moves because nothing could replace that sensation and of course all three of us watching my belly move is a beautiful moment. But after Lady L arrives I seriously don't see myself ever saying "ohhhhh, I miss being pregnant" like I hear some women say. Not me, no sir'ee.

So! For the next 13 weeks I'll enjoy alllllll that goes with carrying this little life within me, but don't think I'm not ready to have her in my arms! Thank you, endlessly, for your thoughts, comments and prayers. I greatly appreciate them.

25 1/2 weeks and Growing

2012-02-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

She's absolutely perfect! And the pictures my sonographer takes at the specialist are ab-so-lutely AWESOME!

Our little lady still measures right at 6 days small but she's growing 4 weeks worth of growth every 4 weeks; therefore, she's just a petite little lady.

She's very breech right now. Straight up and down to be exact. This is why I haven't felt her move across my belly in the last few days, but instead the movements I feel are down in my "guts"! I love feeling her move, no matter where she is, but I hope she turns soon so Lance and Cannon can feel her moves as well.

All 4 chambers of her heart were completely visible, we saw her little kidneys, her brain, and everything in between. We watched her lungs "practice breathe", we saw her swallow, and open her mouth. It was fascinating.

We get to go back in 4 weeks and we'll give the 3 D sonogram another shot as well. We tried it this time but she kept pulling her feet up in front of her face so all we saw was her precious little nose and lips.

We're getting closer everyday. This weekend I'll have to post updated pictures of her room and certain special gifts we've received. I'm warming up to pink - but haven't quite gone hot yet! Sweet light pink is as close as I've gotten to the color. Don't get me wrong, I could not be more thrilled about the blessing of both a boy and a girl, I've just never been a "pink" person.

With every day closer to meeting her in person, I'm getting "pinker and pinker". :-)

The Tunnel's Light

2012-02-05T18:16:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to see it.

- But hey. Before I get started on that....seems as though the more water I drink, the more tolerable the carpel tunnel syndrome is. Just say'n. In case you're ever in that situation when you're pregnant, drinking LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of water seems to solve and prevent so many issues, but I know first hand it helps relieve carpel tunnel syndrome.

Anyway, I'm beginning to see a a glow at the end of this 9, actually 10 month, tunnel. We get to see Miss Leighton Claire Tuesday when we visit the specialist. Thursday I'll be 26 weeks along. February 15 will be day 1 of my 3rd trimester. Then February 20 is our 7 month appointment when I get to drink that yummy shake to determine if she or we have gestational diabetes. After that appointment we should be seeing our regular OBGYN, Dr. B, every two weeks.

She moves now everyday throughout the day. My favorite is early in the morning. When my alarm goes off I lay in bed for at least 15 minutes basking in the priceless sensations of her rolling, kicking, and poking around in my belly. I can't.wait.to.meet.her.

That 5:30 play session is when she seems to shift directions completely (if she chooses to do so). That's when I feel her biggest moves and then I can tell during the day if she's changed positions because she either sits high and "plays" during the day, or some active part of her body sits very low and she seems to bounce on my bladder like it's a trampoline until another morning when she may change positions.

It's absolutely fascinating.

I've sorted through my first set of maternity clothes and have begun to move in to the "big mama" clothes. I remember saying this with Cannon's pregnancy and the conviction is still with me - I do not know how over weight people can be happy with their bodies, how they ever feel good, or really how they function at all. I would be miserable if I let myself get big and stay that way. I miss exercising something fierce and truly look forward to any form of activity after Leighton arrives and my body is ready. More specifically, I can't wait to wake up early some crisp cool morning and take off for a jog. I hope Miss Leighton loves the jogger as much as Cannon did.

My mornings are beginning to get "tight" as I'm trying to squeeze in any amount of sleep I can get. It's time to spend a little less time in front of the mirror, make the lip gloss and mascara the extent of my "beauty routine", and begin focusing on staying as prepared as I can at school and at home just so...well, just so. I feel like I need to make a little "what all else needs to be done" list so that by the end of spring break we are as ready for Miss Leighton as we can be.

I'll be meeting with my long term sub, Miss Mindy, in the beginning of March so she can too can feel prepared as well - in case she needs to come in sooner than May 17.

That glow will soon be an overwhelming bright light. I love her so much and look forward to meeting this little lady.

Braces

2012-01-29T18:11:00.000-08:00

I've finally succumbed to wearing these arm braces not only to sleep in - but during most of the day. And for the last 48 hours, it seems as though that IS making a difference. It's amazing the effect the carpel tunnel pain was having on my attitude. I felt so much better today! Here's to hoping wearing the braces more often will help me avoid seeing a "hand specialist"....whatever that it is.

Mom and dad came this week and purchased the dresser that matches Leighton's new "forever" bed. I'm excited about it coming in and getting the mattress to complete the bed. It's nice knowing she already has a bed room full of furniture that will last her for years to come!

Every day is one day closer to you!

24 Week Appointment

2012-01-25T19:12:00.000-08:00

All was well today! And so much for the "I lost a pound" at the last appointment. This month I'd gained 9 pounds! Dad-gum!!

She was a busy little bee while we waited for Dr. B and it was a long wait seeing as how he was 1 1/2 hours late! He said he'd had several "hard" appointments before ours that took longer than he expected, including a lady who was pregnant with triplets - but then found out she'd lost one of them.

I don't go back to Dr. B until 28 weeks which is February 20. That's when I do that sweet little glucose test. We'll actually get to see Leighton though on February 7 when we go to Dr. G, our specialist. I can't wait.

I've got some pretty sweet and thoughtful friends who are planning a baby shower for us. Melissa and Shannon are hosting one March 31st. My team at school is also hosting one. There are 7 people on my staff currently pregnant and all of us are due by August. In order to cut down on the number of showers, teams are combing almost all of the showers so my school shower will be with Mr. Steiner (the computer teacher). His wife is due this summer!

As with most everything else, when I was pregnant with Cannon I know I appreciated the showers - but this time everything is just so much sweeter. I'll be so grateful for each and every gift given. It's very kind of our friends and my coworkers to do something sweet for us like this.

4 week belly photos to come next week!

Boards to Bed

2012-01-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

I suppose the biggest necessity is good to go! We planned to borrow a bed from a friend, but after shopping with my in-laws this weekend, we came home with this beautiful gift! Okay, so it wasn't so beautiful in this state, but after 3 hours, only a couple of choice words, and my and Cannon's escape to a birthday party, I came home to a beautiful new baby bed and combination changing table put together by my super hero husband!

Isn't it gorgeous? I had something quite small and simple for Cannon and ended up selling it in a garage sale a couple of years ago during one of my "stubborn" stages after a miscarriage. We looked at several models - one being the sleigh bed style - but I liked that this had all we needed and took up much less space than the other ones. This will also be Leighton's long-time bed. It transitions in to a toddler bed and then in to a full size head board and foot board along with a night stand. Sweet!!!

Our next appointment is tomorrow! Miss Busy Bee has been move'n and groove'n for a good week now. Some of her moves feel like rolls and for the first time, Lance felt her move yesterday morning. I woke up 30 minutes earlier than my alarm (4:45 to be exact) but I woke up with a smile. She was making such big moves I knew it would be worth waking Lance up. Sure enough, she bumped all over the place. Lance was fascinated. Our perspective on the miracle of this experience is so different than it was when we had Cannon.

Update on tomorrow's appointment will come soon!

Move'n and Groove'n

2012-01-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

She's a busy little bee in there these days. She moves on and off throughout the day...and I.LOVE.IT. I've even seen her move twice. Very brief bumps, but both times were in the last two days - so I'm guessing I'll be seeing even more of her in the weeks to come.

Just simple things I want to record about Leighton's pregnancy....

I've have the worst nails ever and only twice in my life have they been long, thick, and absolutely gorgeous....when I was pregnant with Cannon and now with Leighton.

I don't remember anything totally odd when I was pregnant with Cannon -but with her it's been a different story. Right around week 10 I noticed (or felt, really) one little bump on the back of my neck. This one bump itched like crazy and no cream seemed to help. Since then, these little bumps have multiplied all.the.way. around my neck with the exception of right in the middle in the front. The bumps are very faint...someone else probably couldn't see most of them except one or two that are bigger than the rest. HOWEVER, they itch beyond belief. It's nothing I can't deal with and my doctor basically said to try everything I had already tried....so, I'm just chalking it up to pregnancy "skin tags" knowing that in a few short months they'll be gone. Read up on it when you're bored.

When I'm not pregnant, I've got a pretty finicky digestive system. I do best avoiding spicey foods, sweets, and fried foods. However, being pregnant, I'm enjoying hamburgers stuffed with jalepenos and really just about anything single thing I want! I'm loving it, but not over doing it knowing that my eat-what-you-want days are numbered.

Carpal tunnel syndrome..pregnancy induced. Now, I'm remember dealing with these symptoms in the last few days of Cannon's pregnancy. I even journaled about it. But this time it started at week 16! Geez. I don't know that I had it long enough last time to even ask about it - but since it started so early I inquired and learned what it was that was causing my hands and arms to fall asleep and throb painfully at night. When the doctor advised me to wear a wrist brace I laughed. I knew Lance would never let that slide and I'd never hear the end of it. It only took one more sleepless night due to a throbbing right arm and numb fingers to convince me to buy the brace and I've experience a lot less of the symptoms since then. Thinking the condition had possibly improved, I tried sleeping without the brace around week 20 -but no such luck. The tingling woke me, I put on the brace, and I've not been to bed with out it since. You can google more information on that too if you're interested.

Friends have been so generous. I've received several piles of clothes sizing up to 2T. We're borrowing a beautiful white iron baby bed from a friend and we're also using a friend's white glider. We've been given some really cute hand-me-down diaper bags (quite girly might I say) and some items still in boxes that other friends have received two of..such as a humidifier and a lighted reverse mirror for the car. Another friend gave us a like-new bassinet to use as well. I guess there's certainly a plus to having your 2nd child 7 years after your first and having her after all of your friends are finished having children!!!

Leighton Claire's next appointment is Wednesday, January 25. That appointment is with our regular OBGYN and it's our normal 4 week visit. I'm not sure that we'll have a sono but I know we'll get to hear her heartbeat. :-) Then February 7, we go back to our specialist for a sonogram!

I know it sounds crazy but I finally feel like I've completely released myself into this pregnancy. There's no denying I'm pregnant (meaning I couldn't hide this belly if I tried) and I feel her moving all the time. I'm happy and relaxed - not worried about anything really. I feel fabulous.

I always told myself if I was able to get pregnant again and carry a sweet little life inside of me I'd cherish every move I felt and every aspect of carrying that life. Being pregnant has to be the most amazing, miraculous experience a human can go through. Once was a blessing. Twice is indescribable.

Lance is also more interested and fascinated with this pregnancy. He's always asking what she's doing and what she feels like moving around in me. Before, he didn't have the patience to sit and watch my stomach move, but this time he's really looking for it. We now know the end result so that makes the process so much more beautiful.

2 in 2

2012-01-10T18:39:00.000-08:00

Loved our visit today with Dr. Gore! Leighton's sonogram showed 2 weeks of growth in 2 weeks. PERFECT! Overall she measures right around 20 6 days and I'm "dated" 21 weeks 4 days...but the important part is how much she grew in in 2 weeks. So she measures small. No big deal.

And I keep telling myself (and reminding the doctor - not that he needs to be reminded, but hey) that no one really knows when I ovulated. I never had a period after the last miscarriage. My due date is figured based on my first sonogram....which was "dated" at 9 weeks 1 day.

She's healthy and perfect and we're loving getting to see her as often as we can.

Next appointment? My regular "4 week check up" with Dr. B, my regular OBGYN, on January 25. However, we'll get to go back to Dr. G 4 weeks from now on February 7. Not sure if we'll see her January 25, but for sure we will on February 7.

Big smiles on the home front and prayers of praise daily.

Almost 22 Week Update

2012-01-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

We get to see Lady L again Tuesday. 2:45 to be exact. We're simply going in to say "hi" and check out her progress since our last visit 2 weeks ago.

Dr. G., my specialist, and Dr. B, my OBGYN, are quite possibly to best doctors in this area. It's so much more than medical care - they truly do care. Dr. B's nurse could not be more compassionate as she made me well aware that if I ever just needed to hear the heartbeat I simply needed to get in the car and start driving....call her on the way...and as soon as I arrived she'd put the doppler on Miss Leighton's heart and calm my nerves. Funny because now that I know I can do that if I need to, I may not ever use the option.

I feel great, never nauseous, but sometimes quite tired. Some nights it just hits me and I'm sound asleep by 8:30. Unless we have something going on in the afternoons I come straight home, take a shower and put on pjs......just so if I get too tired, I'm more than prepared for bed!

Leighton's room is progressing. There was more cleaning to do than anything else as that room had become a playroom piled high with Cannon's toys. We've managed to find a "home" for everything in Cannon's room and I've stripped her walls of all decor and patched holes. I've recovered the window boards and moved a couple of pieces in to her room we planned to use. I've been loaned a beautiful white iron baby bed and we're being given a white glider - other than that we'll have a chocolate futon in her room for those late parties she'll host. So far the only colors in her room are a white washed blue/green color, chocolate, and blue/green crystal beads. I'm planning on going with all white bedding as well. Simple, shabby, and sweet. Pictures to come.

Please keep the prayers going up for a healthy baby girl in May.

Petite and Polite

2011-12-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

My 20 week appointment actually ended up being on 19 weeks and 5 days. Anatomically (anatomy) everything was perfect. Over all she measured at 18 weeks 4 days...at our regular OBGYN's office, Dr. B. At 20 weeks, the baby should measure anywhere from 17 weeks to 20 weeks and Leighton measured 18 weeks 4 days.

I know. It's like I'm restating the same fact, but I'm still trying to figure out Dr. B and how he's "treating" me. I've loved him. Still do. I can't tell if he does what he does because he's cautious for himself - or if he's cautious for our feelings due to my history. Keep reading.

Following his appointment he wanted us to go ahead and get in for another sonogram with our specialist, Dr. G. Dr. G just so happened to be able to fit us in that very afternoon at 2:30 so off we went to burn 3 1/2 hours before we saw him.

Dr. G's overall measurement for Leighton was 18 weeks and 6 days.

Because she anatomically looked perfect (her anatomy was formed exactly the way it needed to be), both doctor's concluded that she's either just going to be a smaller than average baby - or she just hasn't hit a growth spurt.

I'm "so-so" curious, not concerned, but curious - because from day 1 Cannon has always been in the 90th percentile on all of his growth charts. Still is. I'd be more than grateful for a smaller baby because hindsight now tells us Cannon's 7 lb. 11 oz. little self was almost more than my small stature could deliver. These hips just weren't made for deliver'n.

I'm glad Dr. B sent us to Dr. G for a "second look" at Leighton's growth...but like I said. I'm still learning how Dr. B is "treating" us. Does he send me to Dr. G because he's concerned or cautious. He speaks often of how you can't put a price on "piece of mind" and how he'll do anything to give us piece of mind. So I'm glad he sends us for "second looks".

Dr. B, made our next appointment for the normal 4 weeks out. January 25. Dr. G gave me a choice. He said I could come back in 6 weeks - or 2 weeks. What do you think I picked? We'll be seeing him January 10. :-)

Rest assured, Dr. G said if there was something (anything) to be concerned about (as far as her growth goes) we'd already see red flags with this sono. He said we would have seen an unhealthy amniotic sack and other such indicators. But everything looked great!

I've hesitated writing this post because I didn't want anyone to worry over nothing - but I would love to hear about your baby's fetal growth - especially if this story sounds familiar. We've already had one set of friends say their baby girl measured 6 or so days "behind" at every single fetal appointment.

I, on the other hand, had shockingly LOST a pound since my 16 week appointment! What? That never happened with Cannon, but I also started out about 10 pounds lighter with him as well. In 20 weeks I've gained 10 pounds. I remember cooking heavy meals with Cannon almost every night - chicken fried steak, spaghetti, hamburgers. But with Lady L, I've mostly wanted light and healthy foods. Who knows. That could change at any point during the next 18 weeks.

Oh ya. The title - Petite and Polite. Well, so far she is a petite little lady. And as for the polite? We saw her yawn yesterday in her sonogram....and with her hand up in front of her face it looked as though she was covering her mouth. It was sooooo cute. So yes, she's petite and polite.

Little Leighton

2011-12-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

Little Leighton and little belly, here we come! I'm 17 1/2 weeks in this picture (yesterday).

As anxious as I can sometimes get, I think my nerves are doing really well over all. I guess to pin point what it is that I'm nervous about....I'll say that it's the fact that with our last miscarriage the baby had been gone for almost 2 weeks before I ever knew anything was wrong. Because I've not really really began to feel her move, consistently, I can sometimes get in to these funks where I just wonder what the heck is going on in there!?!? If anything...

I know in my heart of hearts she's growing and thriving because it's as though right when I begin to have my doubts a wave of nausea comes over me...and as of this evening, I did feel like I felt some of those flutters. Just when my mind begins to play games, God sends small "winks" of assurance. I know it's the devil that's initiating the mind games - and it makes me hate him even more - especially when I let him win.

Our next appointment is December 28. That will be our 20 week anatomy scan. Again, that's 2 weeks out. So many fun celebrations and "reunions" will take place in next 2 weeks with Christmas and everyone will be so happy. I can't help but to sometimes replay the last time I was so happy for 2 weeks not knowing that a very sad day was just around the corner.

HOWEVER -

I finally spent some time with God this evening and decided one thing. Leighton's life is already known by my Father. He's created her, he's sent her to me, and she's already brought all of us so much joy. Of course the expectation is that we'll all meet her in person and be holding her in May. As her big brother, Cannon has big plans for this little lady, as we all do. Whether God's plan is for Leighton to live to be 10 days old, 10 months old, 10 years old, or 100 years old...I will praise Him for giving me an opportunity I never thought I'd really have.

Worrying about the grief I might experience in the future is only stealing the happiness I could be savoring today.

I love you Little Leighton. Cannon can not count the days fast enough to when you arrive. Keep growing, healthy and strong. Really - this is the time to kick! When you arrive and you begin playing with your brother, kicking won't be okay! I'd love to feel you moving around in there as much as you'd like to. We pray for you every day. Sometimes I pray all day and your daddy prays for you every night. Your brother has prayed for you for years. We already love you soooooo much.

Not Writing

2011-12-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

With all of the anticipation of this pregnancy.....geez louise, for the last 5 1/2 years....I even thought I'd write more. But as with anyone else's 2nd pregnancies and on, I'm just so busy and therefore so tired every evening! I'm usually good to "stay up" a few nights a week (past 10) and then the other nights I'm asleep no later than 8:30 and up until that time I'm either cleaning up from the day or preparing for the next one.

I don't think anything could be better. I feel great (finally). I'm getting great sleep (with the exception of my hands and arms falling asleep and throbbing). The boys in the house are being great helpers and I couldn't be happier teaching 2nd grade!

Leighton's 16 week appointment was only suppose to consist of blood work for chromosomal abnormalities but at the last minute I called and asked if I could hear the heartbeat while I was there. My perinatologist is so accommodating - only little did I know, they don't have dopplers...only screens! The next thing I knew I was getting a full on sono!

We got 6 of the most perfect sono pictures I've ever seen! Take a look.... (and the above photo is supposed to be posted here).

The face book comments we received were comical. We got everything from "it looks like she's chillax'n on the couch, to it looks like she's laying in a hammock, to it looks like she's laid back fishing! Either way, everyone agreed she is a lot more relaxed that any of us. She knows she's fine and healthy and growing really fast!

Move Baby, Move

2011-12-04T17:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Leighton,

When you get tired of floating around in circles, feel free to give me a few kicks. I won't mind at all.

I love you Lady L.

Mommy

16 Weeks Tommorrow

2011-11-29T17:33:00.001-08:00

Yahoooooo! Not only we'll I be heading in for a little blood work (spina bifida testing), but I'll get to hear the heartbeat per a phone call I made today. Couldn't help it. Waiting until December 12 to hear her again seems like an eternity.

A sinus infection of some sort seems to have set in. Nothing I'm headed to the doctor for as it only seems to really bother me at night....when at least one nostril is completely clogged! But the worst has been the headaches that have gone with it! I'm not one to take pills of any kind - but especially pregnant. I finally gave in when the throbbing was about to bring me to tears and called Dr. B. He ensured me Tylenol was safe, and actually suggested I go ahead and knock it all out with Tylenol Sinus! Super - however, apparently Tylenol Sinus has been off the shelves for over a year. Hellllooooo.?!.?! At my wits end I settled on two extra strength regular Tylenol. I was desperate....but the headache did actually settle.

Aside from that little ordeal - all is well. I'm thinking I felt a flutter yesterday, but feeling another one would make me positive of it.

I'm getting super excited. I'm planning to take a video of tomorrow's heartbeat and if I don't get it posted here through one true media, I'll put it on Facebook.

Feeling quite blessed -

It's Really Happening

2011-11-25T20:08:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's because I'm continuing to outgrow my clothes. Maybe it's because a second round of morning sickness hit me right at 15 weeks and I was quickly reminded of how pregnant I was. Maybe it's because I'm having time of Turkey break to clean out closets to begin preparing spaces to welcome this new little life in to our home....but I think I'm finally feeling like this is really happening. I'm more than ready to begin feeling her move, but everything about the pregnancy seems to be progressing so smoothly.

I'm able to eat less in one sitting, but I'm hungry more often. Headaches have hit me out of the blue and seem to be a dull constant the last few days. I've only gained 3 pounds from the "normal" weight I carry, but I was down 6 when I found out I was pregnant. Not too worried about any of that. I'll have all summer to "get my exercise back". Grapefruits with salt (at least 2 in a sitting), tomatoes with salt, and pickled okra have been some unusual favorites and therefore part of my daily diet. All in all, everything is wonderful.

Next appointment is November 28, but that's just blood work for spina bifida. I'll see Dr. B December 12 for my 18 week - but then I'll go back to Dr. G (the perinatologist) for my 20 week anatomy screening on December 28.

Looking forward to all that December brings!

I'm Hungry. No I'm Not.

2011-11-19T20:44:00.001-08:00

I'm (so far) completely over the "morning sickness" (yet that's a lie....I was sick all day!). However, in the last week, no matter what I eat, I'm left feeling as though I've enough gas to fill up a hummer limo. Geeeeeeeeez, Louise. What is that all about?

And for the most part I always feel like I'm hungry, but I know I'm not. There's not way someone should be hungry after a lunch that's big enough for 2.

And seriously, not to complain - but I simply want to document everything. I can't keep my eyes open past 7 p.m. every night....until tonight, for some odd reason. Now, I can't go to sleep! But most evenings I'm walking in the door and crashing. I know I've got to get a shower quick - or I'll doze off and then wake up grumpy. But as soon as I take a shower I've got to be prepared to go to bed because I usually can't keep my eyes open!

We didn't get to see Leighton last Wednesday, but we did hear her sweet heartbeat. She's still sitting right at 165 bpm. I started an iron pill like I did with Cannon because I'm slightly anemic.

Since we've met Little Lady I've either seen or heard her every two weeks. Our next appointment isn't until December 13 and even at that one I'll only hear her heartbeat. My next sono is December 28 which is when we'll get the full anatomy scan. It's gonna be a long 4 weeks until December 13....but it'll certainly be a prayerful 4 weeks.

One nice perk of having friends after all of your friends is all of their hand-me-downs! We've scored some very generous and thoughtful additions to our baby collection. So much so that as soon as Christmas is over I plan to spend a few days sorting and organizing.

All is all, everything is moving along very smoothly. I still sometimes find myself pinching my own arm in question. Is this really happening. No doubt in God's blessing - but in the 5 1/2 years that it took us to get here it seemed to take forever. But now that the experience is here, I reflect on our past and realize how time flew.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

12 weeks and 9 weeks

2011-11-13T14:51:00.001-08:00

They aren't the best views, but I took photos of the sono pictures on our fridge. The first is of Leighton Claire at 12 weeks "old".... She's laying on her left side, back to us, with her right arm up and bent towards her head. This photo is actually taken out of the dvd they gave us and during the time of this still shot her arms kept flying around and she was bouncing her hands off of her head!

And this is the first time we met Leighton. See her gummy bear appearance? I can't believe how much she had changed in just 3 weeks!

This Friday when we go to the doctor again I'll be 14 weeks and 2 days. I'm hoping for another sono - but I have no idea if we'll get one. We'll for sure see her again December 28 at my 20 week appointment!

Little Girl

2011-11-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

Hi there Little Lady,

I managed to get a video of all your busy body moves last week at the doctor uploaded to my computer, but I don't have a still picture to post just yet. They're all over my fridge, but not on my computer.

Your brother was so excited to see you. He was just in awe of all your movements and when Dr. G said you were a girl he seriously clapped his little hand up to his forehead. It was priceless. He spent his time at home that evening browsing a toy magazine for Christmas ideas and several times he marked things he thought you might like. :-)

I'm no longer nauseous, but to be honest I miss it. Feeling sick was a constant reminder that you were thriving. I also finished my progesterone this week - so those to changes at the same time put my mind in over drive today. A sweet friend passed me in the hall and could tell I looked down. I gave her my feelings in a nutshell and she simply looked at me, bowed her head and folder her hands and said, "I'm praying". That was a God wink. Thanks Kristen B.

I get to see you again in 1 week.

Can't help it. I've debated sharing this the last couple of days - but it's time. All of this happening so fast after the last miscarriage has left me in a "funny place" with this pregnancy. Of course I'm excited about you. You are what I've wanted for for more than 5 years. But that's just it. Because I've wanted you for so long, and my heart was broken when I lost the last one, my heart is not letting me get as attached to you as I would have normally expected. In some ways I feel emotionally detached from you. My mind tells me that's wrong, but my heart knows I'm only trying to protect it from getting broken again. I know I won't let myself "go" until you're here, in my arms, and healthy.

I pray for you everyday and in every way. Cannon prays for you and so does daddy. They usually pray for you in the mornings before school and at night before Cannon goes to sleep. I pray for you at random times....really anytime I think about how you might be growing or moving.

Your brother talks to you everyday. He's gonna love you so much, I just hope he doesn't show you his love like he shows Elsie. :-)

I'm 13 weeks and 2 days today. This week up until the appointment will fly by and then the next thing I know it'll be January 1 and I'll be more than 20 weeks pregnant. I know all of this will one day soon be a blur, but of course when you're in the moment time seems to stand still.

Praise God for his grace and mercy.

More About You

2011-11-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow (yes, we rescheduled) I get to see you again. All of you! I get to see your heart, your brain, your tiny body...and possibly your he/she-ism. I can wait, though. I want to fall asleep imagining how exciting tomorrow will be. Tonight, I just want to go to bed knowing you're safe and growing. I believe you are, due to how sick I was yesterday! I thought "12" would be the magic number, but just one day shy of 12 weeks and I was dry-heaving all.day.long yesterday!!! Sickness is good though. It's a reality check with the goodness growing inside me.

2:00 is the time, Dr. G (our perinatologist) will study the sono and read the rhymes!

~Till tomorrow. G'night little angel.

Dear You,

2011-10-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

Dear You,

I’ve known about you for over 4 weeks now. You’ve been in existence for 10 weeks and 4 days. With the exception of one 6-year-old big brother (who can’t wait to meet you), three others have not made it as long as you have.

From the moment I knew you existed, you’ve been a surprise. For the first time in 5 ½ years your daddy and I we’re not trying…planning…or counting the days and ways in which we may have you. For the first time we were completely surprised by a pregnancy.

I’ve seen you twice now! Both sonograms showed a perfect heart beat, two arm buds, two leg buds and a rounded little head. Just last Monday Dr. B said, “I couldn’t draw a more picture perfect sonogram!”. Music.to. my.ears.

The biggest difference with your pregnancy than any other? I have been so, so, so nauseous. Incredibly so. The least appetizing foods? Fried ones and sweets. Yuck! All of this though reminds me that your pregnancy is healthy.

The last pregnancy we lost, just in August, broke me. It broke my spirit. Now, after positive reflecting, I realize my spirit needed a hard core lesson in the harsh reality of the lack of effectiveness of my own planning.

So let me catch you up on the last few weeks….

Immediately following the miscarriage, my mind took a permanent vacation. I settled with the idea that Cannon would be an only child….and what a tremendous blessing he would be. If that were to still end up being the case, I would consider my life more than blessed.

But then, after a couple weeks of wondering when my body would again regulate…I took a test just to rule out the idea that I could be pregnant. I’ve never seen two darker lines. My exact thoughts upon seeing them? “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Because it had been 18 months between all three of our positives, I was stunned to see you just 6 weeks after our last loss.

My doctor wanted me to come in the day we found out we were pregnant. I said no. No more pressure. No more blood work. No more stress and worry during the 48 hours of blood work results. If this pregnancy is meant to be, my body will take care of itself. Dr. B suggested I at least take a low dose of progesterone saying even if I didn’t need it, it would only be helpful to the beginning weeks of the pregnancy. I agreed.

Three weeks after getting a positive and living in nausea nation, I just knew it was time to schedule an appointment. We figured I had to at least be somewhere between 8-11 weeks, and if that was the case, we’d for sure see something on the sonogram.

Surprise! I was already 9 weeks 1 day by the first visit.

Of course, I am more than thrilled. However, I am cautious. We’re not looking too far ahead, but instead soaking in the blessings and surprises God’s placed in our life the last several weeks. We’re also simply enjoying the day-to-day growth of you in my belly.

As I reflect on the valleys He’s carried me through the past 4 ½ months, I can’t begin to understand why He’s taken me there. I probably never will. Maybe a reader does and that’s God’s plan.

Tomorrow we get to see you again! My doctor says the appointment is simply for “piece of mind”. He says he wants to settle my nerves and get me through the first trimester stress free. I love him already.

Praise God for you, my sweet little surprise.

I love you,

Mommy

Who's Counting Anyway?

2011-10-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

Who's counting anyway? We haven't been. No more counting days. No more worrying or wondering. Just letting it all go...and it's never felt better.

What to Say....What to Say

2011-10-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what to say. When I do, I will.

I'm Better

2011-09-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying the loss ruined me. I know others who have been through soooooo much more.

It did, however, rock me.

Hearing "there is no heart beat" was not foreign. But I was walking unfamiliar territory hearing "there is no heart beat" at almost 12 weeks pregnant.

The scheduled D and C would have at least been painless (physically), quick, quiet, and timed. Instead, I experienced excruciating, unexpected pain. In the middle of the night. For hours. Then there was a rush to the emergency room and a wave of vulnerability. And as surreal as it all was, it was at the time, a blur. I had no time to process my emotions.

That experience rocked me.

There's a poem about walking on the beach with Jesus. Throughout the author's life, he reflects on the two sets of footprints he sees in the sand....knowing one set is his and one is Jesus'. Jesus' footprints are slightly ahead of the author's, as He leads him through life. At times the author notices there is only one set of footprints and he realizes it was at these times he needed Jesus most. He questions Jesus. The author asks Jesus why He left him at the times he needed him most. Jesus assures him he never left, He was instead carrying the author when he could no longer carry himself.

God's been carrying me. He hasn't left. I never thought he had. I knew it was me that wanted time alone so I even buried my head in my hands while he carried me. I was even quiet. I didn't want to talk to Him or anyone else. But I'm better now and I'm not shameful for the time I've been "away".

I knew I was getting close to my breaking point this past weekend. When I say breaking point, I'm referring to my "where am I going and what am I doing with my life" breaking point. I knew Sunday I could have easily stayed home to catch up on rest and get organized for the upcoming week. The past week had been crazy busy full of small-town homecoming festivities and fall testing as school. But, with the emptiness I'd harbored in my heart, I knew now was when I needed to be in church most. I've never had to make myself go to church, but this time I did. We all at times do things we don't feel like doing because we know it's what needs to be done. I knew once I got there, I could just relax, reconnect, and get back in relationship with God. And thank God for stirring my heart and "getting me there". My experience Sunday "brought me back" and I think I'm beginning to see the faint resemblance of a second set of footprints.

Scott Turner spoke again in our church service this week. Google his name along side the NFL and see what comes up.

Ephesians 6: 10-12 says, "Be strong in the word. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." Jack Graham spoke on this passage, but Scott Turner gave the analogy on what else, but football. He spent every week of his NFL career scouting his opponent. Without knowing his opponents tendencies, habits, interests, and plan, Scott would have had no idea what he was up against. Being a part of specials teams he described how his job was the separate his opponent from the ball.

We have to know what we are up against with the devil in order to overcome the challenges we're presented on a daily basis. We have to know how it is that satan tries to steal our happiness. If we're not anticipating how satan will work, we won't be ready for him. We have to prepare every single morning for our opponent, just like Scott Turner described. Our job, on God's special team, is to separate satan's influence from our life.

I had no idea satan, my opponent, could sabotage my happiness for that long. I had not prepared myself for how satan would take advantage of my vulnerability. I had not spent time in the word. I had talked to God soooo much and my prayer life had grown tremendously during the pregnancy, but I hadn't fed my soul and mind with His word to protect myself against my opponent.

It takes a lot to steal my happiness. Nothing gets me, for too long. (But I sometimes wonder if that's because I've experienced very little tragedy in my life). Sure, I get down - but rarely can something break me and keep me down. Losing this pregnancy rocked me. It didn't break me, but it did keep me down. I just don't know what I would have done had God not been there to pick me up and carry me during this time. Again, there's only been one set of footprints in my sand.

But I'm better now. Jesus will carry me, but He needs me to move on, do His work, prepare for the opponent, and be thankful for all the goodness in my life .

I've got the up most responsibility right now to lead and guide my little boy in to a conscious choice to follow Him. I have 20 students and families, 6 teammates, and numerous coworkers whom God's placed me with to glorify Him through grace. My husband has kept us going, even when I didn't know I wasn't. I am in complete awe when I think of how our marriage has grown. Even on our worst days, I love being married to Lance. Cannon Ball could not possibly bring me more joy. Everything about him is more than I could ever ask for. If he could just stay little forever.

There for a while I was almost against getting pregnant again. I'm not against it, I'm just not planning on it or trying for it. I've tried to write this sentence at least three times - trying to explain what it might feel like to imagine Cannon getting a sibling - but I just can't explain it. My thoughts just don't go there anymore. I see him. And I see us. And I love what I see! If there's to be more with our family it'll just have to be a huge surprise and only God's plan, not mine.

Finally, I'm better. And it feels so much better to feel better. Thank God for never leaving me, even when I chose to keep quiet and keep to myself. Thank you for carrying me. I'm better.

I Don't Want to Know

2011-09-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

Just to keep it real.....

I don't want to know that your sister's sister-in-law finally got pregnant because she rubbed hcg cream on her arms every night. I know you mean well, but I don't want to hear that.

And I don't want to know that baby aspirin might be the "trick". To be honest, that sounds absurd.

After two miscarriages and being so sure that the 3rd one would "stick", and then "carrying" just shy of 12 weeks, I'm not exactly trying to set myself up for another heartache.

I'm not not doing all the things I used to not do to keep my body "protected" in case I get pregnant. As with most things, unless you've experienced it...you just don't get it....so you can't imagine what goes in to the thought process of planning to get pregnant - especially if it's not easy for you.

Right now, I'm doing anything I want to. If I want to drink more coffee than I "should", then I do. If I want to take a Tylenol pm to rest easier, then I do. If I want to eat some junk food back to back all day, then I eat it. (Funny thing is, now that I'm allowing myself to do this, I don't really want to!) If I want to spend more money than I should on a pair of pants that might not fit in a few months due to a pregnancy, then I do. If I want to put myself through an evening run in 100 degree heat, I sweat through it. If I want to take a scalding hot bath, with lots of "fragrant bubbles, I soak for hours. I have no idea what "day" I'm on, and above all else we are not planning anything that involves intimacy. For the first time in a long time, anything goes. :) And we like that. :)

Again, I'm not exactly trying to set myself up for another heartache.

As a matter of fact, I'm quite happy with where we are right now. I love my 2nd graders unlike I've ever loved the students I teach. I've taught 2nd grade before, but not since I've been a mommy. I see this age from a totally different perspective. I love love love the honesty, reality, and sincere interest for learning that comes with 7 year olds. After all, they are just a year older than my little man so there are so many connections I'm able to make with them. The team of ladies I work with rocks. One teammate in particular holds a special place in my heart. It's only been two weeks, but the efficiency my team is working towards in our planning and the respect between each other is inspiring. 7 women who barely know each other, working that close together, could at times be a recipe for drama. But the heart of each of these women is golden. We have a common desired goal and together we're focused on that.

I love how "established" our family is right now. Cannon is rock'n kindergarten and football. I'm finally in a routine of exercising at a time of day I wasn't sure I've ever be able to be consistent with. Lance and I seem to be in a season where we finish each other's sentences. Everything is smooth.

Not only do I not want to think about the anxiety I know I'll be filled with IF I get pregnant again, but I have no desire right now to go through the every.single.day emotional battle that accompanies trying to get pregnant.

Maybe in a few months, or possibly a year, I'll feel different but as for now....this is me.

I have friends who have traveled this road and they too are currently trying to encourage me with ideas they feel might help. At first I worried about hurting their feelings by writing this post....but then I realized that at some point in their journey they have or will feel this same way.

It's not that I don't want another baby to love, another life to become a part of this family, a brother or sister for Cannon. It's just that right now I'm too emotionally drained to think about it. I'm too busy bathing in all the happiness in my life to worry about another loss. The precious little life already in my home is pure bliss and the 20 little lives I get to spend all day with at school make me laugh every.single.day. That's all I want right know.

When I say "I just don't want to know", you may call it bitter. I call it moving on. Acceptance. Reality. Letting it go. If it returns to me, I'll love it. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. I believe in working hard for what you want, but there's a difference in working hard and forcing something.

Baby aspirin, special creams, acupuncture.....I just don't want to know right now. I want to soak in all the happiness in my life.

It's Fun

2011-08-26T20:03:00.001-07:00

I will say that when you're not trying, it's fun! Read between the lines.

Normal

2011-08-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a week since the miscarriage and it was the first day I finally felt back to "normal". My digestive system seems to be in check, but the hormones effecting my moods and such were still a little intense even through yesterday. Today I felt great! Seems my body will still be passing "extras" even up to 6 weeks following the miscarriage. I find that hard to believe, so I'm telling myself that it seems even as now that "things" are lightening up. The sorry news is that I can't put anything in my body until every last drop is out. Good bye convenience, hello bulky ridiculous pads from jr. high! Ugh!

Anyway, this too shall pass.

Like I said, I'm just happy to be feeling "normal" again and on the path to "recovery". Starting a new year on a new team in a new grade level has kept me very busy and I'm truly quite excited about the change and all that I have to look forward to within that. It's a change I wouldn't have made without being pregnant.

New Reality

2011-08-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

The blur is now over and reality is sinking in. Almost 12 weeks, almost my whole summer has been spent envisioning at first, the next 9 months. Beyond that we were thinking, planning, and preparing for the next 5 years. In some ways, our thoughts had even grazed through the next 18 years.

Then in one single 10 minute appointment, all of that changed.

My heart breaks for women who have delivered full term, still born babies. Two women, very close to my heart, have experienced this heartbreak. My heart hurts for them.

My new reality has "set in".

I've transformed my closet back to non pregnancy clothes. Maternity wear is all back in the attic.

I had reworked our budget to save as much money as possible from June - February due to the pregnancy leave I'd be taking from March-May. My paychecks would have been doc'd from February-August, leaving us financially strapped for several months. Thanks to that planning, we'll finally be "ahead" (meaning even) for once.

Thank God I had been walking the entire 12 weeks! I mean really, thank God. My talks with Him are what was getting me out of bed to walk. If you've experienced a miscarriage several weeks or months in to pregnancy, I think you'll understand when I say...it stinks to have nothing to show for the way your body has changed. Make sense? My hormones are still out of whack. My digestive system is extremely grumpy; almost like it was when I first got pregnant. All of the hormonal changes I went through the first several weeks are now happening again but in "reverse".

I have been able to jog the last two mornings and I'm trying to change my diet back to a pre-pregnancy one. Going from guilt-free cheeseburgers and ice cream to tuna and veggies is not easy! :)

When an event happens that changes the direction in which your life was traveling, you've got to make some conscious choices to get a sense of control and structure about your new direction.

I can't soundly answer one question about why any of this happened....especially the timing of it all. On a positive note...for the sake of the children I teach, I am glad it happened in the summer. I've had quiet, "still" time to digest and reflect during the entire process. I would not have had a reason to move from 4th grade to 2nd grade had I not been pregnant; therefore, I'm ready to see how God wants to use me in this new teaching capacity with a whole new group of ladies.

Cannon has also began to see this new reality. He's now heard me on the phone a few times talking to friends about the baby. One day when I got off the phone he said, "Mommy, stop talking about it." That made me sad for him, but I can understand that request.

Lance has been nothing but supportive and very understanding and compassionate of all that I've shared. I'm concerned though, if we do get pregnant again, about his reluctance to enjoy and be excited about the pregnancy. I'm sure we'll all have our apprehensions.

As soon as school starts - life will again begin flying by. I'm glad God gave me these three weeks to reflect, be sad, be emotional, and then move on past this experience. That process is important. I know I'll be refreshed and revived when it's time to meet my temporarily adopted group of 18 7-year-olds!

As soon as my body is completely healed (I've heard anywhere from a week or two) I plan to look for another 1/2 marathon to train for. I'd love to have a destination 1/2 marathon for the spring just so I can plan a trip!

This summer I considered merging this blog with our family blog. Never mind. For now I'll keep it separate. I will not stop praying God's will. Sitting on my back porch, watching birds hop from fence tops to roofs, I'm reminded of how small my world is. I can't see past my privacy fence, but I know others are on their porches reflecting on their trials and appreciations as well. The same is happening all over this world and although I see only my porch and my life...I trust God sees it all and I know how I'm only a minute portion of the bigger picture.

I'm broken by an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for Cannon. I don't deserve such a gift as he, as he's blessed our lives exponentially. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

(Rereading this post, I realize how choppy my thoughts are....but that's just as I titled the blog 3 years ago. I didn't want to write anything "poetic" nor "planned". Simply real, and from the heart).

Him

2011-08-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

Husband. Sometimes, either on FB or blogger, that is the name I use instead of his own.

Daddy. Cannon isn't the only person who calls him this. I do, too. I don't know why. Maybe just from modeling it since Cannon was a baby - I just never quit calling him that. I have to remind myself not to do it in public. It's become such a comfortable and natural "pet" name.

December will be 10 years since we first met and since then there's probably a whole list of names we've coined for each other. I'm sure in the beginning some were sweet and silly. In the first couple of years of marriage, there were most likely a few times when we were working out initial marriage kinks and the names might have been a little less than nice. I don't remember ever calling each other a name, but I'm sure there was a time or two when we thought them.

A culmination of experiences during the last 10 years, all of which contributed to the stronger-than-ever relationship we have now, would prompt me to think of other names I could call Lance.

Mr. Quiet Confidant. I can tell him anything and there's no one he would tell.

Detail Dan. He catches almost any and every detail I would otherwise over look.

Humorous Henry. He's always, always made me laugh.

Compromising Casey. He always, always meets me in the middle. Compromising may not always be is initial reaction....but after "think time" and "talk time", we always work everything out.

Hottie Toddy. No explanation needed. I love looking at him. His best look includes a smile and when he wears one his blue eyes truly sparkle.

The Compromising Casey description encompasses so much. He's willing to "meet in the middle" because he loves me. I never ask, though, for something to be completely my way because I love him. We want each other to be happy, but we also respect ourselves enough to keep that in balance. When you first get married and you hear such phrases as "marriage is 50/50", you're not exactly sure what that involves. You may think it includes each person pulling their share around the house - or maybe financially, each pulls their "weight". Truth is, the "50/50" includes improving parts of yourself that make your half complete the perfect whole you and your spouse create. Does that make sense?

By far do we have a perfect relationship nor are we perfect people, but what we have is perfect for us. Our differences are a nice balance and there is a growing respect for those. I can't imagine sharing life with anyone else.

I couldn't begin to describe the gratitude I felt regarding the way Lance handled the last week's experiences. Details will mean nothing to you, but two events are forever etched in my mind - the way he held me in the parking lot when we left the first appointment last Thursday, and catching a glimpse of him on the floor next to me Sunday night as I cried out in gut wrenching pain with each contraction. He wanted so badly to do something for me, but there was nothing to do. He was just there...and that's all I needed.

I love em. On paper, I would have never put us together. But that's why I love how we met and fell in love. At the time, not too much of it made a lot of "common sense". I moved 8 hours North to a location I'd only landed in twice. Not to mention, I moved here without a job. I didn't get a teaching job that summer until early August. Yikes! Never mind all the red flags, we knew we were crazy about each other as soon as we met so we married 18 months later. I never dreamed we'd be where we are now. I knew thought our relationship would fuse together and continue to grow the way it is. God has had His hands all around us from day 1.

I've loved the journey...every day of it. Each experience has brought us where we are now. The ride we're currently on was certainly a curve in the road I didn't see coming...and I'm sure there will be all different types of unexpected road blocks, smooth stretches, dips, free falls, and speed bumps as we go....but all of it will be part of the exciting adventure we've yet to discover.

I love my husband and all that we share together, with Cannon.

What Plans?

2011-08-01T04:25:00.000-07:00

8 hours ago I just thought today's plan would include a D and C.

My body went in to labor last night on it's own around midnight. I called my doctor to see if I could go ahead and start with the pain meds. (I didn't want to do anything to interfere with the next day's anesthesia.) He said that was fine, but 5 minutes after taking it, I threw it all up.

By 1:30 a.m. I could no longer take the pain so Doctor W advised we head to the hospital. One of the best friends I could ever ask for came over in the middle of the night to keep Cannon and we were off.

I cannot begin to describe the pain I was in. Worst I've ever felt. Like in a fetal position rolling on the floor crying out for mercy, kind of pain. No tears - just yelling out. The pain began at midnight and got progressively worse until we got to the ER.

Whatever pains meds that were administered through an IV in the emergency should win an award. My entire body relaxed and was practically numb within seconds of receiving it.

As soon as the ER doctor began his exam, I passed any and all contents of my uterus. Two sonograms were done soon after the exam and confirmed that I had in fact "delivered" everything.

By then it was 5:00 a.m.. Once Dr. W received word from the ER doctor that my uterus was empty (that's very important due to infection), I was released to go home and the D and C for today was canceled!!! I could not be more relieved of my fears of the procedure.

We got home around 6:00 a.m. and my instruction for the next couple of days is just to rest and take it easy. Regardless of the amount of pain I experienced, I am more than happy to not have the D and C to dread. Honestly, I'm praising God that it's all over with.

Plans

2011-07-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

The D and C is scheduled for tomorrow at 2. We check in at 12:30. The procedure should take 30 minutes and I should be "recovered" from anesthesia and headed home by about 4.

Last night I had a little freak-out moment regarding the anesthesia and possible adverse reactions I might have to it. However, I did fine "going under" with the last D and C. I also spent too much time over analyzing the possible "accidents" that could take place during the procedure. After a mini-meltdown and prayer, followed by a good night's sleep and then a relaxing, laughter filled day with my family, I've come full circle. I'm prayerful and confident that everything will be just fine tomorrow.

Starting this morning I began having light cramps. The intensity progressed throughout the day and the cramps began acting more like contractions regarding the frequency in which they came. I'd be fine for a bit and then a wave of cramps would come over me, intensify, and then go away. So far nothing has come of it, but I at least feel a little more comforted knowing my body is beginning the process on it's own. The cramps subsided early evening - but have returned tonight.

I began taking a medication about an hour ago that is supposed to soften the cervix and make tomorrow's procedure easier. I'll take more of this medication in the morning and then the next thing that tumbles in to my tummy will be tomorrow evening when we get home.

My anesthesiologist called this evening. That was nice. He was very personal and informative answering any questions I may have had. Come to find out, he's the husband to an OBGYN that has delivered babies for two of my very good friends. Ya know, sometimes it's connections that helps ease things a bit. The more personal of a connection you can make with someone who is responsible for your life, the better. Just say'n.

Cannon and I had a date on the porch this evening after baths. We tried out some new limepopsicles made by Blue Bell. He loved'em - me, not so much. Better than the lime popsicles was the little heart-to-heart we had.

He first asked where heaven was and since he's asked this before and I've always given the same answer, he answered with me. Heaven is all around us. More specifically though, this time he asked if heaven was on the other side of the clouds. He asked what the baby was doing in heaven and he asked what heaven was like. I've always tried to explain to him that heaven is a millions times better than the happiest place you could ever imagine. We decided that all of the babies that have gone to heaven before their mommies are being held and cuddled and played with by mommies who have gone to heaven before their babies could grow up to know who their mother's are. It's almost like those babies and mommies that are in heaven are taking care of each other. Nothing warms my heart more than when he asks questions about topics such as these in which we've spent so much time trying to teach him. I love the honest, genuine interest.

Something about Cannon has been so different the last couple days. He usually 100% all over his daddy.....well, 90% all over Elsie, and the rest on us. Anyway. Something has been different. His been by my side, very close and intimate, but happy and giggly all the time. Maybe he's enjoying the idea that I'm able to wrestle with him again, carry him on my back, and jump on the trampoline. Maybe he's worried about me or sad about the baby or both. Either way, for his sake, I'm ready for tomorrow to be done and over with.

Thank you for your prayers, comments, and messages.

Monday

2011-07-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

For several reasons, it seems best to go ahead and schedule a D and C. As far along as I am, and as close as we are to the school year - we couldn't risk waiting for something to happen not knowing exactly how the miscarriage would go.

I hate the idea of anesthesia, but I am comforted in the fact that I've been under it before with the last D and C. The procedure will be out patient and we'll then be moving forward confidently knowing my body is "free and clear" of all that needs to be passed.

My gosh. The comments, messages and phones calls have been so incredibly supportive and genuine. Each one means so much.

I Have No Title

2011-07-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

My initial shock has passed; although if you've missed my FB posts this will be your first time hearing this. We were thrilled about the two appointments today - both in which we'd get to know and see our baby more. I should be 10 plus weeks pregnant, but the sonograms we had today showed the baby stopped growing and living at close to 9 weeks.

The baby's heart has not been beating for about a week.

We went to our general OBGYN Dr. W this morning expecting to go through the routine questions and then hear the baby's heartbeat. When we couldn't hear it, he wasn't extremely concerned because I am just over 10 weeks along. He went ahead and did a sonogram, and found a sweet little head, bottom, and arm buds. But there was no heartbeat nor movement. Measuring the baby he found that growth had ceased at 8 weeks and 6 days.

We had originally scheduled an afternoon appointment with the perinatal for a detailed sono, but as soon as Dr. W made his discovery he called and had that appointment bumped earlier. A "higher tech" sono did infact show the same results. But on this sono, Dr. G (keeper of my heart because of the relationship he's taken the time to build with us) outlined that sweet baby's body so we could see more closely the life that had grown inside of me. Not only did he spend the next half hour counseling us and just being our friend, I left that office with no charge. Now that's personal.

We're moving on. Three losses is enough. 5 years of planning around the question of "what if we get pregnant?" is long enough. If I ever get pregnant again that will be the best surprise ever. Until then, I'm spending my time and energy continuing to serve a God who has a plan so much bigger and grander than I could ever possibly imagine. I'm spending my time with my perfectly healthy, crazy, wonderful and amazing little miracle we call Cannon. I'm going to continue to grow closer to the man whom I've shared these disappointing experiences with and, who, in the face of this sadness has supported me in ways I can't explain. I'm going to train for...and run that marathon - okay, maybe I'll start with a half. I'm tired of planning around the possibility of another pregnancy. We're just gonna live and be ever so thankful for what we have.

Sharing the news with Cannon is something I'll not forget. After we picked him up from a friend's house, we parked the car and talked to him. We explained that the baby was not growing right so it stopped growing. We said the baby's heart stopped beating and the baby had gone on to heaven. Cannon has never stared at me for that long. No blinks. Just a blank stare. I finally had to ask him if he was okay. He nodded and said nothing. He then commented on a toy - something random - and we moved on. Later today, while eating lunch, he spoke "out of the blue" like only a child can. "Mommy, I sure wish that doctor would have said the baby's heart was beating". *Sigh* "Me too, sweet kid".

Lance said something to Cannon today I'll never forget. He made a point to tell Cannon that this was not just happening to his mommy. Lance told him this happens to lots of mommies. And when it does, all of those mommy's babies go to heaven to live with Jesus. I would have never anticipated the importance of that comment - but in Cannon's 6-year-old eyes, he could have interpreted the loss of the baby as my fault. He could have misunderstood that it was something I did to cause the loss. I'll never forget Lance saying that. Very sweet.

At the moment, I'm opting out of a D and C. The first one I had still bothers me. My doctor feels I'll be okay to pass the pregnancy naturally, so right now I'm just waiting for signs of that to begin. It could be a few days, a week, or even a month. However, if we get too close to school starting, I may have to choose the D and C. I pray for mercy and pray that's not the case. Passing naturally and soon is my prayer.

I love blogger. Of course today was emotional, but writing creates an indescribable peace for me. I'm honored that people read and comment. If anything shared stirs your heart or soul, that's God. And that's awesome.

God is working on both of us. As Ginny Owens says, "Cuz I'm not who I was when I took my first step. And I'm cling'n to the promise that You're not through with me yet." He will always be working on us.

Aunt Karen - you have always been the sweetest soul. Your comment meant so much. Thank you.

What An Answer!

2011-07-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Remember I've been posting about walking each morning and praying diligently?

Let me reiterate that yes, I've always prayed but my prayers (prior to this pregnancy) would probably be considered on an "as need" basis and when I did offer up "thank you" prayers they weren't very consistent.

In addition, I've never spent as much TIME talking to God as I have this summer (as much time all at one time). I tell Him everything! I try to walk 30-60 minutes each day. I walk one way 1/2 the time and then head back home. I talk to God the first half of my walk and then listen on the way home.

I try to keep an order about my prayers just to keep me focused, but I certainly adhere to random thoughts of people or situations and pray about that too. After all, there's a reason they come to mind while I'm praying. :)

Part of my prayer time has been focused on asking God to free my mind from the financial stress we will incur the next 9-10 months. I'm trusting God will provide, so I've been praying that my mind will be in sink with what my heart trusts. I've been praying that Lance and I will stay focused on the budget we've already worked so hard on, and persevere through the unexpected bills that will inevitably come up. I've prayed about this diligently for weeks.

About a week ago we received our payment plan from our doctor which includes all visits, sonograms, and delivery. Certainly less that I expected, but still six payments that as of 3 months ago I wasn't planning to pay. When we received our payment plan via email I spent about 10 minutes in mental overload. Once my heart caught up with my head, I remembered I had already handed this situation to God. Lance and I talked about it and with in minutes he devised a plan for 1/3 of the payments. Exhale. I felt much better. The answer to my daily financial prayers....including prayers that Lance would lead us more than ever before and that I would relinquish even more control so that he could....showed itself then. I felt better knowing we had a healthy start on our "baby payment plan".

Today, out of the blue, we received notice that because we were in such good standing with our car payment, we could defer a payment and "tack" it to the end of our loan. No, that's not exactly fabulous news for my car note, however, that will dissolve in time. This car payment deferment will, though, pay for the final 2/3 of the "baby bill"! Some may consider the car situation a burden, but in our situation we call this news answered prayer!

I've heard prayer. I've been taught "how" to do it myself. I've prayed my whole life. But until now, I've never reeaaaalllly talked to God. The intimate time spent each morning away from distractions, alone, with God...the sunrise, and my dog has become a very special time for me. It's almost like a date. It's a special date that I've become so committed to, I feel something is missing in my heart for the day if I don't go.

God answers your prayers according to His will and your faith in his will. I've tried hard, when praying, not to pray for specific answers but instead that God will guide my heart to desire what He wants for my life. The unknown can be scary. But knowing Him makes the unknown not only less than scary - but desirable.

Praise God for this answered prayer!

6 days and Counting

2011-07-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

Next Thursday we'll fiiiiinaly have another appointment. We're scheduled for a sonogram but I'm thinking hearing the heartbeat will make me happy enough. So, once we hear that I may cancel the sonogram. I may just "save" the sono appointment and push it about 5-6 weeks out in the hopes that we can find out if Cannon will be entertaining a brother or a sister.

Just counting the days. Can't wait to spend a little more time with the doctor getting to know this little life within me. :)

Sleepy Pete

2011-07-20T19:38:00.001-07:00

I just can't get over how much I've slept this summer. I can only think of a handful of days I haven't taken a 2-3 hour nap! I'm so thankful to have this first trimester fall during the summer as it seems I'll be well into the 2nd trimester as soon as school starts.

With that said, I can't believe how this little pregnancy just sucks every ounce of energy out of me. I wake up feeling great - exercise and spend a lot of time outdoors with my family before lunch, and then after I eat it's like I hit a wall!

I'm getting used to it now as I've been planning my "need to-do" and "want to-do" list to end by noon each day so I'm not trying to over do it.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm loving "all things pregnant" and I'm grateful for the time I have this summer to nap. Naps have just been the first part of the adjustments I'll be making to my daily schedule for the next - oh, let's say 5 years!!! :)

Papular What?

2011-07-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

Anyone ever heard of this.....or have it?

Papular Dermatitis of Pregnancy:The imbalance in the hormonal levels causes papular dermatitis of pregnancy. It mostly occurs due to the elevated levels of gonadotropins and lowered levels of cortisol and estrogen. Prurigo of gestation is again a common dermatosis (skin condition) of pregnancy. It affects almost one in every 300 pregnant women. The characteristic features are extremely itchy, raised spots, which are red in color and get covered by crust. The spots are never found in groups. There is no definite time for the occurrence of papular dermatitis of pregnancy. It can appear at any stage of the pregnancy development, and continues to do so till the child is born. It does not cause any harm to either the mother or her baby. The treatment is generally done with high doses of corticosteroids.

Cry Baby

2011-07-18T10:36:00.001-07:00

Ohhhhh how I forgot the emotional hormonal roller coaster pregnancy puts you on. I've only busted out in a full on sobbing cry twice - but I feel like I could cry at just about anything. I snap a those around me and then I just can't understand what it is that I just snapped at! Unbelievable. I warned Lance as soon as I got pregnant about this evil coaster - but it often catches both of us off guard and before he's thinking about it, he's snapping right back. We had a little "chat" this morning and I think we've got all the pre-hormonal warning signs on the table. Hopefully we can both be a little more proactive so we can diffuse the situation before it gets started. :) I love my husband. He really can be the most patient and understanding person I know. When something is important to him, he certainly compromises and goes the extra mile to make everything okay. Love'em.

Free Shopping From a Friend

2011-07-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

I spent the afternoon with Melissa yesterday. She had Lucien 3 years ago and Eden 6 weeks ago. Beautiful kids, beautiful momma. She and Cary are quite sure Eden is their last; therefore, she was so kind to not only load me up with a closet full of maternity clothes...but also an almost-new bassinet! Omg! I am so fortunate. Melissa is probably one of the most patient, kind, grace-filled persons I know. She'll do anything for anyone. I enjoyed the "girl" time (Eden included) and I loved watching Cannon interact with her. He held her for the longest time. As long as he was sitting in front of the TV with her, he was content just patting her little tummy and holding her in his lap. I see some good times coming with him and my little bump. Thank you Melissa for just being you.

Prune Juice

2011-07-15T16:15:00.001-07:00

It really doesn't taste as bad as it looked when I used to watch my granddad drink it. As a matter of fact, it was good!

In case it's not obvious, I'm desperate.

July 28

2011-07-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

Has it been 9 months yet? Ha! It's just the curiosity that kills me. Trust me, I know how fast it'll go by. The 38 weeks I carried Cannon seems like nothing now. But I just can't fathom all that is going on in my body right now....and I know nothing of it. I know by the side effects of pregnancy that I am, well, pregnant - but knowing exactly what is going on with that little baby is so far out of my reach. I again am reminded of the trust I must hold with Jesus. Because He is in control, I harbor no fear.

Side effects are comforting, as comforting as constipation, and nausea can be. :-) But I'm looking forward to hearing a heartbeat at our next appointment, July 28th.

Until then, I'll keep trusting and praying through God alone. My morning walks provide such raw dialogue with Jesus. I love praying in church, but being alone with God on my morning walks with absolutely no worldly distractions is immensely encouraging. I've enjoyed this time so much this summer that the few mornings I have to take off due to a prior commitment, I've greatly missed my "quiet time" with Him.

Today I'm 7 weeks and 3 days. To most that seems so early, but so much has already happened since we first got a positive test. Go baby go! Can't wait to watch you grow!

Sleep'n and Eat'n

2011-07-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

Right when I feel rested, I literally can't keep my eyes open and I'm out! I'm not a napper. It takes some serious sleep deprivation to set me down long enough to fall asleep when the sun is still shining. However, my heavy eyes have welcomed mid-afternoon two hour naps. I've loved them!

Not too long after I've eaten, I'm looking to graze again. I'll feel soooo hungry, but rarely does something satisfy.

I don't remember needing/getting to rest this much with Cannon because my first trimester was in the fall of a school year. I do remember (and journaled) about the food aversions, though.

Dr. W wants my progesterone to get to 25 and he's not a fan of prometrium because it's taken orally and he feels the digestive system soaks up too much of the drug. Sooooo, for the next 6 weeks I'll spend some time with progesterone cream. :-) I'm happy to use it.

I've felt great and I absolutely welcome any and all feelings that have to do with pregnancy. Cannon continues, as do we, to pray for this baby daily. I've continued my early morning sunrise walks and I talk to God about any and every part of the pregnancy and the baby. These prayers always lead to discussions with God about others parts of our lives. I literally jump out of bed and sneak out of the house to enjoy this morning time alone with Him. It's been one of my favorite parts of this summer.

I just can't describe the attachment Cannon already has with the baby. He's always his silly self - but he talks to the baby and asks such interesting questions. One of the many reasons I'm beginning to see why God waited until now for us to get pregnant would be Cannon's understanding of the pregnancy. He's so interested in all that is going on with my body and he's so understanding and thoughtful towards my needs. Had I been pregnant when he was younger, we wouldn't be able to share the experience with him as we are now.

God's timing is perfect. I want to share a quote from our pastor's sermon Sunday.

"Unanswered prayers are a walk through a refining fire so when God does bless you, you feel it beyond measure." We are feeling His blessings beyond measure.

It's a Go!!!

2011-07-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

Praise Jesus! Not only did we see a HEARTBEAT, we heard it!!! Hearing it is what shocked me because I wasn't expecting to get that with the type of sono we had! Best feeling and best sound ever!!! I cannot describe my joy. God is so good and his plan and timing are so perfect. THANK YOU for your comments, inbox messages on FB, and text messages this morning. I've never felt so prayed for and supported. This morning, I truly felt surrounded by little angels because of your support. Praise Jesus.

It's Not Me

2011-06-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Any strength, grace, and hope in me is all from God. It's not me. Because anything and anyone here on Earth will at some point fail my expectations, I draw from God alone. He will always see the biggest of the bigger pictures. I have to trust that He knows what is best.

Still Listening

2011-06-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Funny. Not really. It's actually ironic. I wrote this post just a couple of days ago on another blog. And here I am now, waiting and listening to see what God has to say.

I've always thought that if God really wants your attention - He's gonna get it. Whether you choose to give it to Him or not, God will move in ways that leave you few options but to trust Him, talk to Him, and rely on nothing but Him. Of course, I said there are a few other options. You always have the option to choose to ignore Him. I've simply never been able to do that. He's had to knock on my door rather LOUDLY as times, but I do always end up listening. My, how my world would change if I would listen sooner. :)

All this leading up to...

Dr. W called (yes, HE actually made the phone call himself again) about an hour ago with my HCG results. Last Friday at 1:00 p.m. my level was a 7660. As of Monday at 10:45 a.m., my HCG level was 11,200. It went up! YAY! However, "textbook theory" says your HCG should double every 48-72 hours during pregnancy. Mine did not double. But it also wasn't too far from it. These are the similar results from the blood work in my first couple weeks of this pregnancy. Let me break it down...

HCG test #1 on day 28 of my cycle: 92

Test# 2 two days later: 212 (great! more than doubled)

Test #3 6 days later: 1,350 (great! more than doubled every 48 hours)

Test #4 11 days later: 7,660 (good, it went up...but it didn't double every 48 hours)

Test #5 3 days later: 11,200 (great, it went up...it didn't double but rose higher than last time)

Based on this info, we're waiting until Friday for another sonogram. If it was up to me, I might suggest we continue to monitor blood work and wait longer for a sonogram. Remember, we didn't have our first with Cannon until I was 9 weeks pregnant. But - I'm rolling with what Dr. W has scheduled.

God is giving me small pieces of assurance, but not the whole cake. He wants me to trust Him. As in the past, if He gave me the whole cake too quickly I probably wouldn't be leaning on Him now like I want to. I've never lived an experience where ALL I trusted (or could trust) was God. I've never lived an experience where I woke up and went to sleep talking to God about the same thing.

This little baby is in God's hands. Textbook numbers or not - this baby is God's. I want this baby more than anything. In my plan (and it's hard to imagine why God would argue) now seems the best time of any compared to the last 5 years to have a sibling for Cannon. Now makes sense. :-) - BUT, all I see is my plan. God's is so much bigger.

I will trust Him. I will talk to Him about this baby every morning and night and not just until I get good news on Friday. I will make time to talk to Him about even the little things, every day. One thing God has in common with us as parents - he wants to hear from his children just as we do. We know what our children need and want, but ohhhhh how it melts our hearts to hear our children's voices.

We will see a heartbeat, this, I truly believe.

God wants more than anything to be in relationship with you and me both. Since all of this started - literally the day we got out for summer vacation - I've quit running in the mornings but instead I've been taking these long walks watching the most amazing sunrises. As the summer started it seemed that time was the perfect time for me to talk to God. But now, anytime is the perfect time. We've been chatting (or I've been talking and then waiting and listening for answers) on my morning walks, while I'm in the shower, on the back porch in the evenings, before I pass out at night due to pure exhaustion....etc. I've been praying quite a bit. This is what God wants.

Between now and Friday at 9:30 a.m. we'll be talking a lot, and we'll be listening a lot. :)

Praying

2011-06-26T17:53:00.001-07:00

I feel in my heart of hearts we'll receive great news tomorrow with my HCG numbers and I'm praying for a heartbeat this week.

We had such a beautiful day together as a family. We stayed so busy, I didn't make a lot of time to think of the news we will have by the end of this week - but now as I've been resting, my mind begins to drift to the possibilities.

I continue to pray. Cannon is praying (not knowing the news we're waiting for) as he's been since we found out I was pregnant and as he's prayed for the last few years.

Praying. Waiting. Carrying on with our day and enjoying time together until the next "step" in this early process. Praying. Waiting.

God is good.

Early News

2011-06-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

I write this post with my lip curled just a bit.

Here's the scoop.

If you were to read earlier posts you'd find I've not been the happiest with the doctor I've had the last four years (Dr. B). I've never had an urgent reason to leave her, but now that I'm pregnant, and because of a few things that have been said and done since I've been pregnant, I figured now was as good of a time as any to "doctor hunt".

I asked many friends opinions, read several profiles, and made a few phone calls to area doctors before I found Dr. W. He delivers at the same hospital I was planning to use - so that worked out great as well.

The doctor I've been with, DR. B, is one of three in her office as well as a PA and a huge office staff. I've only met DR. B a couple of times in the 4 years I've been with her. I usually have to see the PA. (Strike 1) Dr. B's office staff is less that professional. I'm talking about things like having to listen to foul language from the receptionists while they describe their weekend drunken stories while I'm sitting in the waiting room. (Strike 2) The last time I went in for elective blood work (just to make sure my numbers were still rising) one of the nurses referred to me as "silly" for coming in. Most of you can imagine how insensitive that is in that situation. I quickly commented back that if she'd had previous miscarriages she wouldn't feel "silly" at all. (Strike 3) Twice in the last 3 weeks I've been promised a phone call with important information and both times the nurse left without calling or without having another nurse call. (Strike 4) And the biggest? Let's not forget the fact that I am the one who suggested we test my thyroid's functionality 3 1/2 years in to being her patient and trying to get pregnant!!! I guess I should have had a clue at that time how detached Dr. B truly is from her patients and customer service.

Back to the good news. Dr. W.

After a few days of "doctor hunting", I found Dr. W right here in town. Dr. W is the only doctor in HIS office. (I swore off male OBGYN's years ago - but everything else about him seemed wonderful according to his profile.) His office staff consists of 4 ladies. He is married with three children; therefore, instead of seeing 30 patients a day (like he used to), he sees half that many. He explained that he's a family man first. That I can respect! Dr. W personally returns phone calls to his patients and was so thorough in our first visit. We both really liked him!

Sooo, he was able to see us yesterday. We were with Dr. W for 2 hours!! He asked questions and gave explanations I haven't heard since I worked with our infertility specialist! He respectfully asked why I was leaving Dr. B (he knows her) and I explained. It seemed most of my complaints went back to one general reason....Dr. B's office was too big!

Following our visit with Dr. W yesterday morning, we went ahead and had a sonogram. We also ran an HCG and progesterone test. {Remember my HCG from last Monday, June 13, was 1350. My progesterone that day was a 15. As of then, Dr. B prescribed prometrium because she wanted to make sure it didn't drop below a 12.} Well, let's discuss the sonogram news first. All we saw was a sack. There was not a pole nor a heartbeat. HOWEVER, Dr. W called me (personally) Friday night to share that my HCG was up to 7660 and my progesterone was up to 19. That was good news!!! He seems to think I'm a few days earlier in the pregnancy that we've calculated and that's why we didn't see more in the sonogram. He said my hcg isn't the highest it could be, but it had definitely gone up.

NOW, we're praying for that 7660 to at least double by Monday morning. We'll again run the numbers stat and we'll know more Monday night. We'll have another sonogram Wednesday or Thursday. As for the progesterone, Dr. W doesn't think too much of prometrium. It's an oral progesterone supplement and he says Dr. B had me on such a low dose, that alone wouldn't have made my progesterone level rise from a 15 to a 19. He said my body did most of that by itself. More good news!

We were originally scheduled for a heartbeat appointment Monday, June 27 - but when we moved with this new doctor, we met with him Friday, June 24. Based on what I know now, I'm not sure we would have seen a heartbeat Monday. I think the sonograms were scheduled too early. My first sono with Cannon wasn't scheduled until I was 9 weeks pregnant.

I truly feel in my heart of hearts that everything is wonderfully fine and I'm just measuring earlier than we calculated. I pray by Monday my HCG levels have doubled to 14,000 plus, and that we see a heartbeat by the end of the week. Ohhhhhhh, how I pray.

It's amazing how God uses situations, people, experiences, conversations, comments, and well - life, to grow us closer together and closer to Him.

God loves us unconditionally and covers us in grace though we've done nothing to deserve it. Everyone in our families is healthy. Lance and I have the marriage I dreamed of. We have an amazing, healthy, happy, child. We both have jobs we love. We are not in debt and our finances are organized. We have friends who support us and love us in good and bad times. We are privileged to live in a country where we are FREE . I say all this as a reminder to self (and husband)....we are sooooo incredibly blessed. We have no idea.

I pray for a healthy, happy brother or sister for Cannon Ball and I thank God every single day for his blessings.

My Heart Beats for You

2011-06-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

From what I understand, this little baby should fire up a heart beat in the next few days. Anytime after 6 weeks is what my doctor said. I'll be 6 weeks Monday. Ohhhhhh how I pray for a strong, healthy little heartbeat. We'll be enjoying a little family vacation this week so hopefully I won't have much time to think about next Monday's appointment. Next Monday I'll be 7 weeks pregnant.

We all feel so good about this pregnancy. I'm feeling most all of the symptoms with the exception of being sick - soreness in the "right" places, exhaustion early in the day, etc.

Cannon could not be more excited about a sibling and Lance and I are right there with him.

Thank you for your sweet comments, fb messages, and texts. Please pray for a healthy, strong little heartbeat!

Growing Strong

2011-06-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

I've been dying to update since our initial blood tests - but a virus got a hold of our computer, and well...let's just say I got an early birthday (actually the next four birthdays) present that can be shared by our whole family. Anyways, I've been up late enough playing with this cute little white computer :) and it's way past my bed time. However, I couldn't go another day without sharing some news.

I went in for another blood test. The hcg is doing everything it is supposed to do. My number was 1,350 and I was exactly 5 weeks and 2 days at that time. My progesterone was a 15. They like to see it above a 12, so since we were a little close (I was a 16.5 with Cannon at this time) they went ahead and put me on Prometrium (which I hear a lot of people take) in order to "beef up" the uterine lining during the first trimester.

I'm praying everyday for a strong healthy baby! We couldn't be happier, I'm just surprised at how much time I DON'T have to sit around and think about the pregnancy like I did before. We're just "going" like usual (until I fall on my face for an afternoon nap due to pure exhaustion) and then I all the sudden remember I'm pregnant and I practically tear up.

Smiles! More soon! Thank you for your sweet comments. Some of you I rarely get to talk to - so so seeing your comments warms my heart and makes me smile!

Best Anniversary Gift Ever

2011-06-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

I called family the morning of June 6, 2011, our 8th wedding anniversary, to share the gift God gave Lance and I. Now, I'm more than ready to share it with everyone!

I'm pregnant!!!

We've been to the doctor twice this week and both blood reports came back with very high numbers for my hcg and progesterone levels!!! Praise GOD!

Our "heartbeat" appointment is June 27th.

The past week and half I've been nothing but exhausted. I figured my 2+ hour naps every afternoon were due to the end-of-the-school-year festivities....until I took that first pregnancy test!!!

This was the first month ever, I've felt myself ovulate (see previous post). We found out about the pregnancy on our anniversary, and so far it looks to be a February 14 due date! How cool is that?

You can read through the last three years of posts - plus know there are two years prior to the existence of this blog that add up to 5 years of prayer for a sibling for Cannon. I'm overjoyed with our news and I believe in my heart of hearts this baby will be here. I know many of you have prayed with us. You've sent emails, left comments and shared conversations with me during this time. Thank you. Please continue to pray for us and this pregnancy. God's plan is so big and so perfect. Sharing thoughts, prayers, and conversations with others build relationships with friends and strengthens your relationship with God. Keep that up. That's what's important.

1st Time Feeling

2011-05-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

Can't exactly explain it, but I can't not record it. I'm pretty sure (based on talking to friends and reading the Internet) that for the first time ever, I felt myself ovulate! It was the weirdest thing - but for almost a day and a half I would just be going about my daily activities and then all of the sudden - whooooooooooo! A pinch! Everything was on the left side - right about where my ovary would be. As soon as the "pinch" sensation faded, everything was right back to normal. This happened every 15 minutes to 2 hours all of one day and a little bit the next morning. It all started on about day 10. Who knows, right? However, I just couldn't help but to write it down. Praying, praying.

Thyroid Goodness

2011-05-14T04:20:00.000-07:00

4 years ago my cycle went from picture perfect (every 28 days and lasted 3-5 days) to a horrendous inconvenience(every 30-40 days and last 5-7 awful days)! I remember when the crazy cycles started, about 4 years ago, going to the emergency room thinking I was having a miscarriage because I wasn't quite acclimated to the new "hell week" I would be experiencing the next 48ish months...ev.er.ree. month.

I started thyroid medication about 4 months ago and by the 2nd month of taking it, my cycle got even crazier than it had been the last 4 years! I started 9 days earlier than I ever had and it lasted for 10 days. Last month is started closer to on time, but still early, and it was much lighter. This month it was right back to the good 'ol day 28 and it lasted 3-5 days. Heaven!!!!

When I started the thyroid meds, I read that it could help regulate monthly cycles. I read further in to that hoping the meds would help level out my hormones and therefore help get me pregnant. I never thought about my new "hell week" disappearing! That's just been a bonus! Now that my cycle seems to be regulating - maybe now something will aide in our goal, a sibling for Cannon.

I can't help but to look on the sunny side. Trusting God, being positive, and praying are my only options.

Day 1

2011-05-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

Hello Day 1. I've seen you now, regrettably, roughly 59 months in a row. It's getting old. Take a hike.

Clomid and Estrogen Make Me Crazy

2011-04-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

Yep. We started those cycles again. Planning to do them April, May, June, July and August. I don't know if it's after effects of my first 5 days on the clomid or if my DRAMATIC mood swings are from the estrogen I'm currently on - either way - it makes me feel crazy! Typically, I'm not moody. Certainly not from hormones, but you sure wouldn't know that now. Prior experience with these hormone treatments (aka, crazy pills) allowed me to give husband a heads up, but the emotions still caught me off guard this week as the they flooded through me and out of my eyes like rain.

Why try this again?

Why not?

I always come back to reminding myself of one thing. I want to be able to tell Cannon we tried everything we could in order to give him a sibling. He prays almost every night for a "brother or a sister" and sometimes he says "both".

Cannon will be 6 this summer.

It's funny to watch what really happens after you make your own plans. My "getting married and having two kids before I'm 30" didn't exactly go just so.

A while ago, I let go of the idea of having kids two years apart. Two years later, I accepted the idea of not having kids that would at least be 4 years a part. I never dreamed they could instead be 7 years apart.

God has already blessed my heart with the perfect husband for me. AND God gave us an incredible little person as our son. You're probably asking, how could I long for more? The answer is a very simple and understandable one. I know how amazing my one little precious child is. I can only imagine what another child - a brother or sister for Cannon - might be like.

Make no mistake, I thank God everyday for giving us Cannon. I did nothing to deserve such a gift. I understand how many couples are out there are unable to conceive at all. I simply cannot help but to long for another one. I will accept opportunities to conceive with a grateful heart if I feel God provides the opportunity in a way such that I can glorify Him with it.

Right now, with my most recent doctor's appointment in January, trying the hormone therapy cycle again is the opportunity God has provided us. If it is part of God's will, I pray is it the right time for another baby to become part of our family. If it's not part of his will I pray we use our experience in trying for another baby for His glory.

Thyroid News

2011-01-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well. Who knew? My doctor sure didn't!!! Grrrr...

I've got to say. I'm a little frustrated with Dr. B. Not my specialist, but my regular OBGYN.

Isn't she supposed to make the suggestions and have the answers?

A couple of years ago someone mentioned, in passing, that I should have my thyroid checked. My friend shared how her friend got pregnant after starting thyroid medication for a recent diagnosis of hypothyroidism.

If you follow this blog it is most likely because you've also experienced a struggle with infertility. So when I start a story with "my friend's friend said..." you've probably heard all the same stories yourself.

This same friend also suggested I check out acupuncture to "cure" my infertility. I did in fact make a few phone calls regarding the idea, but I never followed through.

Fast forward two years.

A couple of months ago I was at the dentist and as soon as my sweet hygienist took my blood pressure she inquired (out of the blue may I point out) "have you ever had your thyroid levels checked?"

Say what? "No" I responded, dryly. "Why do you ask?".

Apparently low blood pressure can be an indicator of a thyroid issue.

Based on the relationship my friend pointed out a couple years ago regarding thyroid issues and infertility, along with my dental hygienist's thoughts....I decided to have my thyroid checked.

At this point, I must point out my mother takes thyroid medication and my dad had his thyroid removed years ago.

Yes, maybe I should have my thyroid checked.

Now...let's just suppose thyroid issues can be tied to infertility. Isn't that something my doctor should have suggested and checked several years ago? Really?

Sure enough, last Monday at my annual OBGYN I shared my thoughts with Dr. B. "Sure!" she responds. "Let's check your thyroid as well as all your hormone levels and get a baseline summary for the year."

Guess what? I have hypothyroidism. I started thyroid medication this past Friday.

Are you kidding me?

Anyway, who knows if this recent discovery will change our story? Only One knows that. I'm thankful for the hope this creates and I'm thankful for the discovery if only to simply regulate my body's hormones.

We still pray every night for a "baby brother or sister" for Cannon to which he usually adds..."I just want both!"

Time Changes Things

2010-12-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

Well, hello. Not sure how long it's been - but it's been long enough for my feelings to evolve to a state in which I feel as though my heart has changed about having a sibling for Cannon.

If I wanted one before, I want one now...badly.

Those that know me and have been through this moment in time with us will tell you I'm not an envious person.

Of course I'd love to have a sibling for Cannon, but I've never once batted an eye at friends who have been pregnant before us. It's truly not crossed my mind to "pout" or feel sorry for myself when others got pregnant soon after my miscarriages nor have I bathed in self pity when those in destructive relationships or situations became pregnant.

I've always been thankful for Cannon and I've always told people how blessed we are to have him because "many of my friends have tried to get pregnant for years and they would love to have my one".

I can't pin-point exactly why - but I'm finally there. One of my closest friends recently shared in the last couple of months the joyful news of her pregnancy. My mood immediately flipped. I was sad. I was disappointed. Frustrated. Speechless. I shared with her my bare honest thoughts because she is my good friend. We talked a bit and she was very encouraging.

My struggle which was larger than those feelings was the guilt I felt for the feeling them . Since then I've seen her again and I was down....immediately.

I'd almost decided that the reason it affected me most was because I was the first to have a baby in our circle of friends. Everyone has since then had two...and she's the last to have her second one. When she shared the beautiful news of her pregnancy, it hit me.

I ran in to her again at a Christmas party this month and regardless of how I tried to change my heart, I couldn't hide it. But that's just it. I've tried to change my heart. I haven't PRAYED that God would do that for me.

The feelings hit me as a sucker punch. I never dreamed I'd feel this way. It's time to pray my heart in to a better "frame of mind". :)

On this very Christmas morning, while eating pancakes, Little Man asked, "Mommy! When are we going to get a baby out of your tummy?" This question was completely out of the blue.

Sometime I think angel's plant little seeds....similar to that one...and then children act and say things in ways that God knows we needed to hear. I pray 2011 is the year!

Prayers

2010-08-01T14:38:00.001-07:00

I'm say'n a lot of 'em. Cannon is too. He even added a special prayer before lunch the other day. He's praying for mommy to have two babies. Of course, I'm grateful for the one I have - but I'd love to have at least one more. For his sake and for my desire. As with always, we're counting the days and we keep track of my cycle through a cool "app" on my phone. We're praying and looking forward to knowing something in the next 4-5 days.

I'm Still Here..

2010-05-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

..and there's just nothing new to say. Still trying. Still waiting. But not really trying anymore. Ya know?

There seems to be an app for everything. So among the Pandora Radio and hunting apps on husband's iphone, he has a pretty pink flower app. After calculating the days in my cycle, it tells exactly when to - well, ya know. Anyway, pretty cool huh?

Other than the new app, there's really nothing else we're "trying" right now. Just the app and praying.

Update

2010-02-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

Click on over to the family blog for the latest. Click the link in the right margin.

Update :)

2010-02-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

Click here for an update. I'm smiling!

Sad News

2010-02-05T03:03:00.000-08:00

Please click here to read more.

Answered Prayer

2010-02-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

I am pregnant.

After 3 1/2 years of prayer, 25+ negative pregnancy tests, 6 months of clomid, 1 miscarriage, and 2 rounds of failed artificial insemination...we FINALLY got a POSITIVE pregnancy test! Yea!!! Crazy thing is - we had stopped all the infertility treatments. We FINALLY "Let go, and let God". Please, pray for us to see a heartbeat. We'll have our first sonogram late February. THANK YOU for your prayers that got us this far.

I'll write more this weekend - when I can stop and sort out the excitement of the day. But for now, thank you for your prayers. I expect a phone call Friday to find out if the hormone levels are increasing as they need to and our first sonogram is late February.

Praise God. Thank you, mom, for your prayers on the highway at the dead end road. He listens. I love you.

Annual Update

2010-01-18T17:17:00.001-08:00

So I guess this post isn't an annual update, but I did have "that" annual doctor appointment today and I've got an update. Hence the title.

Here's my the perch I'm sitting on.

We've already decided that two rounds of artificial insemination is enough for us. We've also decided not to proceed with invitro.

My uterus is the host home for a fibroid which, so I've been told, lives and breathes off of hormones. My body produces enough of those on it's own...so taking clomid/estrogen/progesterone or any other additional hormones only increases the chances of that fibroid growing. In addition, I simply don't want to take clomid for...ever???

So our next 4-5 month plan.

We're on day 15 of this cycle. I'm praying a positive on February 2. If not, we'll have a sonogram that day to determine the size of the fibroid and see if there are any remaining cysts from previous cycles. My follow up with the doctor is February 11. If all looks well, we'll do h________ (can't remember the name of the test but it's the one where they blow the dye up in your uterus and fallopian tubes) to not only look for blockages but to also "blow everything out". (We had one of those the 4 months before we got pregnant with Cannon.)

This will all take place the month of February. If everything looks good, then we'll do 3 months of clomid/estrogen/progesterone cycles which would be March, April, May.

I pray we give God all the glory and that it be known no matter what - my faith is in Him.

Blah

2010-01-13T18:32:00.001-08:00

Gotta share somewhere, and since I think it's "baby blues" related, I thought I'd reserve my thoughts for this blog.

I don't know exactly what's up with me. My hunch tells me it's negative energy/the devil, how ever you'd like to describe it.

As soon as I'm spending more time talking to God, spending more time reading to get to know Him better, or for heaven's sake if I continue to have a great attitude about the fact that we don't have a brother or a sister for Cannon - it seems the devil heightens his attempts to be active in my life.

I've been so super sensitive since - oh - maybe since before the holidays. For the record, prior to the holidays, I don't remember the last time I cried. Don't get me wrong, I tear up easily in situations where I'm inspired. But that's usually all it is, is "tearing up". Rarely, even in those occasions, do I shed actual tears. But since the holidays I've been so super sensitive at just about any and everything. I'm tearing up...and the tears continue to flow....not only when I'm inspired, but if my heart is stirred, if I'm disappointed, frustrated, or saddened.

I really do think I'm okay about the fact that we haven't been able to get pregnant again (or hold a pregnancy) in 3 1/2 years. Really. But maybe I'm not.

The first year of trying I was okay with "negative" tests because I had a baby in the other room. Then for the next year, we were in the process of getting pregnant, having the D and C, waiting to "try" to conceive again. The months following that experience were spent waiting for all the infertility treatments to run their course. I was distracted with all of that, while also having Cannon to come home to and take care of each day. As Cannon begins to need me less and less and as he begins to ask me not to kiss and love on him anymore, it seems those negative pregnancy tests get harder and harder to see.

Cannon will be 5 in June. We are no longer pursuing medical assistance in a pregnancy, which makes the possibility of getting pregnant feel further and further from my control. I know that's what it's all about. Losing control, I mean.

I truly believe when God wants to speak to us, and we don't open our hearts and ears to listen, He'll put us in a position where we have no choice but to listen. I mean, I guess we have a choice - but God knows I will listen so He continually seeks me out. (I'm just a little more hard headed than some). Choosing not to seek medical attention (for various reasons) has reduced distractions in my life so that I'm able to depend on nothing but prayer and faith for this to happen. When I'm not using my time to pray about this situation, but instead worrying and wondering about it all, then I'm interfering with God's plan. This is a prime example of me being "hard headed". I've put myself in a position where I can listen to God if...if I'll just let myself do so.

I'm trying to do this, but it's like I referred to earlier. The devil tries to take over my mind, when my heart knows the truth.

My heart knows that God knows best and if I'll just relax and let His plan unfold, then I'll see how God can use me for His glory...no matter what the situation. But my head works against my heart. My head tells it, "how could that not be God's plan? How could He not have a sibling for Cannon as part of His plan?".

Growing up with a sibling under my same roof was all I ever wanted. I want that for Cannon so badly. I just feel we've already passed a point where the kids wouldn't be close in age and now we're beginning to enter a time frame where a sibling will only get further away in age from Cannon and it might even end up feeling as though we were raising two kids in two different time "eras". I want another child for me, of course, but a huge reason I want another one is for Cannon. If we want them fairly close in age, is it time to consider adoption? Should we just let it go and "let God"?

See? This is what my mind does. My heart is content with exactly what God has planned.

I'm sure I'll reread this in the morning and think "oh, my. That was a little deep for 'the web'." But I just needed a place to vent the "blah" feelings I've had for a few weeks. I'm not used to feeling this way - and just when I tried to spend more time with God in prayer and in studying - it's as if the Devil tried to sabotage my thoughts even more.

I almost feel guilty asking for prayers when I know friends who'd give anything just to have A child. I'm not asking for prayers for another baby, but would you pray that I'll let my mind get in sync with my heart and just "let go and let God"?

And....

2010-01-07T12:29:00.001-08:00

I'm officially on Day 5 of my cycle. No news for me personally - but I do have big news. My sister-in-law (Lance's brother's wife) is pregnant. With twins. She has NOT been taking anything. There are no twins in recent generations on either side of the family. And to top that off, she only has one ovary! (She lost one is highschool due to a ruptured cyst) We are truly so excited for them and Cannon is SUPER excited to be expecting his first, first cousins!!!

Accident

2009-12-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

I thought I was on my family blog when I was uploading these pictures. Before I move over to that blog and repost these (I would just attach a link, but I want to print it out) I'll share that these are from time spent with Lance's family in Kerens on the 26th. Cannon sported his new scooter because there is little to no traffic on Papa Joe's street. We enjoyed a great game of baseball, a pregift wrestling match, and lots of great food!

Counting the Days

2009-12-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

We haven't truly calculated THE days in a few months. We guess-ta-mated and did our best to "stay on track" - but obviously a pregnancy did not come about. Several of our close friends have recently become pregnant with their second babies and it completely baffles me as to what it must feel like to "try" for a month and be pregnant. I'm not mad about it. or bothered by it - it just truly baffles me. I just can't fathom that. Anyway - back to our strategy. We calculated and recorded each day on our mirror with dry erase pen. January 2 is day 28. We'll see if the "10 day challenge" worked.

Nothing Big, I Don't Think

2009-09-01T19:38:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to share that we finished "THE" pill this last week. My "cycle" was so wierd (I'm assuming due to the pill) that is seemed I didn't even have a period. Because I wasn't truly sure if I ever started...but then I was already finished...I didn't get in for an appointment to find out if the cysts shrunk like "THE" pill was supposed to make them do.

Soooooo, I'm just kinda going with the idea that I'm sure the cysts shrunk ??????? I don't know what else to do. I'm sure the sonogram needs to be done at a consistant time frame (its always been done on days 1-3 of my cycle) so we can compare the size of the follicles and cysts - but I already missed those days.

All that said, I'm officially "drug free" and as of now we are no longer planning a pregancy. We're just gonna go about our "loving ways" and if another pregnancy is what were blessed with - we'll walk that journey then. If not, I already have the most beautiful, amazing, refreshing little miracle sleeping in his big boy bed, right now. He makes me laugh like no other. He cares for people and is curious about people in a way that opens my eyes anew everyday. I thank God for sharing Cannon with me. I could not be more blessed at this time in my life. Everything is just perfect - even when it's not!

When You Have Nothing, Is Jesus Enough?

2009-08-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

Click on over to our family blog for this post.

Crawling Out of My Cocoon

2009-08-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

So remember the last line of my previous post?

"Let the pray chain begin - for God's will to be done. Not mine. "

Thanks for praying that prayer. I love you for doing that.

I think I'm beginning to see what He wants for us.

In a nut shell, sorta -

We planned to start this entire insemination process last summer (2008) when it would have been convenient for everybody (we're both teachers). So after being given doctor's directives to see a fertility specialist in May 2008 I called to schedule an appointment - assuming I'd get one in June. I was a little bummed when the fertility receptionist informed me that they were booked until August.

Not our plan, but fine, August it is. At the August appointment I assumed (aka planned) we'd start treatments right away. Wrong again. We had to wait until my next cycle started and had to conduct a series of treatments to make sure my body would be "okay" with the insemination process. This put us actually starting the process in October.

Great! I planned to get pregnant in October, but after 6 1/2 days in a row of missing work due to the sonograms that went with the insemination process and due to not being able to continue with insemination because my body didn't cooperate, we decided to wait until summer to start trying to get pregnant with the "assistance"again. This was not what we'd planned, but we didn't feel we had another choice.

In January of 2009, we decided to get back on clomid to try and ensure that my body would ovulate every month until summer...which is when we'd start artificial insemination. We planned to get pregnant by summer but didn't feel as much pressure because we knew we had the summer inseminations to look forward to. If we didn't get pregnant that spring - no big deal. The insemination would surely to the trick. Actually having to start the process in July was not what we had planned.

We TOTALLY planned to be pregnant during this past month with our "picture perfect" artificial insemination. Everything - from the unexpected visit from my parents (to keep Cannon during the sonogram days) to growing the "perfect follicles", to Lance's "perfect swimmers", to having the exact amount of money needed for everything - couldn't have made for a better scenario to get pregnant this month. Oh! I would have also been due the first of May...a teacher's dream. But, a negative pregnancy test last Friday was NOT what we had planned.

My cycle started Friday afternoon, just after the negative pregnancy test. Great! We planned to start with our second and final round of insemination treatments this month. According to last month's cycle we'd most likely be inseminated before my first day of teacher in-service, AND, we had just the right amount of money again to continue on this month.

I scheduled our baseline sonogram today (day 3 of my cycle) and was shocked when the sonogram showed 4 cysts on my right ovary and 3 cysts on my left ovary. Cysts on your ovaries causes for an immediate halt on the insemination process because continuing on could make the cysts burst. Instead, Dr. K put me on birth control (WHAT?) for a month to make the cysts go back down. I repeat, BIRTH CONTROL. As you can imagine, NOT what I had planned.

Anyone seeing a pattern here?

I finally am.

We're done planning.

It happened once. It was meant to be. If it's meant to be, it'll happen again.

I'm staying on this crazy birth control this month to ensure these cysts go back down. I'll go to Dr. K on the first day of my next cycle for the baseline sonogram just to make sure there are no cysts....then, we're done planning. No more.

I know I've not been to the extents that some of you have....but, we've been doing all we could do to get pregnant for about 29 months (almost 2 1/2 years) with one miscarriage during that time. Because we do have Cannon, I'm truly ready to let it go. I'm ready to stop planning activities around days, days around appointments, budgets around Dr. fees. I'm really ready to just do life - "let go, and let God".

I want to focus on praying for and supporting those who have yet to experience this beautiful miracle and I want to just spend time with and be thankful for the little miracle I have. If another baby is to come, it won't be what I planned but what He planned.

I like that a lot.

And just one little side note. I'm not a nurse or anything....but isn't drawing some one's blood kind of one of the basics? I've never been bruised like this from a blood draw! I'm not a nurse, but come on. Just say'n.

Day 1, Here Already?

2009-08-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

It is! I usually don't stay "down" too long after a sad time and my body seem to react the same way. Day 1 of my cycle started yesterday (Saturday) so that means we've already started with our next insemination process! Tomorrow, Day 3 (Monday) I'll call to get in for my baseline sonogram and we'll be on our way for our "next best chance" to get pregnant.

Like I said in my previous post, we've prayed and talked about this and instead of trying 2 more months - we're only trying one. We have the time (before school starts) and we have the money...so...one more month it is. Last month we inseminated on Day 11 so hopefully this month will be close to the same. If so, we'd be inseminated by a week from Tuesday.

Let the pray chain begin...for God's will to be done - not mine.

Thank You

2009-07-31T19:29:00.001-07:00

Durgeat, Britney thank you. I don't know you but would love to visit your blogs. Thank you for your support. It's so unique to hear such kind words from people you don't even know. Thank you to all for your support through texts, phone calls, the blog, and facebook. We are better now as we've had time for it to soak in, prayed about it, and heard encouraging words from others.

We have decided that God has already provided the time (school hasn't started) and the money for us to do this one more month instead of two. We have to keep in mind that once we took a break from various fertility support we had Cannon completely on our own. So it CAN happen for us. Since we have the time and the unexpected money we're going to try artificial insemination once more. The good news is, this cycle has already started! Meaning...last month it took us 11 days to inseminate so we could be in those same shoes 12 days from now!

Please know my little Cannon is in bed right next to me watching cartoons as I write this. His little head is against my arm (making it a little difficult to type...but I'm not complaining) and it almost brings me to tears thinking of how thankful I am to have him. It's amazing how he seems to sense things as while we were at lunch today (before our news) he continuously kissed my arms and hands and told me I was pretty. I'm convinced angels whisper things in his ears via God right when I need to hear them most.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the love and support I felt through your comments. It's funny that even strangers seem to support you easier than family and close friends when it really all goes back to experiences. If you've been in these shoes you get it. Thank you for reading and commenting. It's nice hearing your thoughts.

Update

2009-07-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

The test was negative.
We have two more months to try this and then we're done.
Thank you for your support and prayers.

Between 2 and 4 Today

2009-07-31T07:28:00.001-07:00

Blood work is done. I'm expecting a call between 2 and 4 today. Thank you so much for your texts and comments. They truly mean more than you know...

Honest Hour

2009-07-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

I tell my 5th graders all the time, "Don't write something on paper that you wouldn't want the whole world to read".

Of course when I create a post it is sometimes guarded because, well, the whole world could actually read it if they wanted. But tonight I don't care how pathetic, unfaithful, or anxious I may sound. If I was guessing, I'd say most of you who have been through the anticipation that goes with the infertility treatments have felt most of the same ways.

On the eve of our big news I have the rare opportunity to be myself in a quiet house while Lance enjoys Cannon's 1st Ranger Baseball game with him. (I was little jealous, but excited for Cannon considering some great friends had two extra tickets and made it a daddy/daughter, daddy/son date.)

So in this opportunity to be alone, I have the chance to hear myself think. Try to relax. Pray. Let my emotional basket-case self just "be". I've let the tears flow...but for why, I don't know. I can't explain the emotions other than recognizing that's its probably fear.

I KNOW God has a plan and I KNOW it's better than one I could ever even imagine. But I still fear hearing tomorrow that the blood test will be negative.

Why is that such a big deal to me this time? Why wouldn't it be just the same as it's been every month for the last 3 years? With the exception of once, they've always been negative. I've always picked up and moved on. I've never anticipated the outcome of a pregnancy test like this time.

The first few days after the insemination my thoughts gravitated towards multiples. After that I began to get excited and hopeful for one. Then throughout the week I've almost "thought myself pregnant". Ever done that? Ever thought about it so much you begin to think you're feeling all the signs of being pregnant?
My chest has been oh-so-sore, but that's also one of the symptoms of the progesterone I'm on. I've eaten everything in the house, but I usually do towards the end of one of my cycles.
I've been lethargic and lazy, but I've dismissed that to being emotional.
I slept 9 hours last night and then took a 2 1/2 hour nap today, but I've decided that's just sleep I needed to catch up on.
They could all be signs of pregnancy but could also just be my thought process in overdrive.

Whatever the answer may be tomorrow, believe me, I'll know it's God's plan. Either way I'll praise Him and thank Him for the experience because 1) it's opened my eyes to a whole new world of thankfulness and 2) because I'll be a little closer to understanding what many couples go through that are in similar situations.

We received news today that some unexpected money is in the mail through an investment we'd made but decided to pull out of. It's funny because the amount would be exactly what we need for next month's fertility treatments. I'll be so thankful that we have it if we need it, but part of me wonders if God sent it to relieve at least that stress following negative news we may receive tomorrow. See? See what I mean about having the time to hear myself think? I should just be thankful for the money and not wondering why we got it.

I think now would be a good time to stop writing and start doing something to try and get my mind off off all this. First, I'll talk to God. Will you pray too?

Dear Jesus,
My prayer through all of this is for Lance and I to want only what you have planned for our life. Thank you for the guidance to Dr. K and for the opportunity to do just what it is that is medically necessary to give us the best possible chance to conceive and have another healthy baby. I praise you for all the ways You've guided us before and now ask for patience for us both as we wait to see how Your plan will continue to unfold. Thank you for loving me and giving me continuous grace when I doubt and fear what is to come...and for that I ask forgiveness. I pray for strength and patience. I pray for understanding and compassion for those who are experiencing infertility at deeper levels than I. Thank you God for Cannon. I love him as only you can understand. Thank you for Lance and how far he has let You in to his life. I pray he continues to open his heart and we continue to grow through You as a family. I love You.

Busy Betty, But Not Really

2009-07-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

I've never been this anxious about a pregnancy test.

I'm not sure if Cannon's absence the last two days gave me too much time to "think" in a positive or negative way.

Because he was gone I had time to hear all the thoughts that race through my mind with the news that will come on Friday. In addition, his absence left a quiet, empty feeling that made me think of my friends who are going through insemination or IVF for their first child.

Having the time to feel what it's like not having Cannon running and laughing through the house while waiting for Friday to get here truly made my heart ache for friends such as Lianna...and many others. I can't imagine the anxious feelings they must endure while "waiting for their miracle".

My first instinct is to busy myself with dishes, laundry, shopping, errands around town, computer time, etc. so the time might pass more quickly. Those are my usual activities and would be nothing short of abnormal if I chose to pass them by. But that's just it. It's almost as if the emotions I'm going through drain me to exhaustion that I've let the dishes and laundry pile up for the last two days. I'm not sleepy -just too physically/emotionally tired to get it done. But at night, when you'd think I'd crash right away, the curious thoughts keep my mind wondering late in to the night creating this cycle I'm not used to.

I know many of you who read know exactly what I'm talking about. And again, I can't imagine going through all of this while waiting for my first child. I'm so blessed to have Cannon. Please know that anytime I talk to people about this I express that blessing. I know I'm fortunate to have him, but because I do have him...I yearn deeply for another. I know the depths of that love and can't help but to pray for a brother or sister.

Two more days. K, really 38 hours.

I Probably Shouldn't Have Done This, But...

2009-07-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

...I took a home pregnancy test today. 3 days before I'm supposed to take a blood test. I took it this evening and we all know I should have waited for that "first morning pee". Anyway, as discouraging as it is...I want to share that the test was negative.

Now...I'm not 100% convinced it's a done deal. Maybe it's too early for a home test to reveal something. After all, I only "conceived" 9 days ago.

Maybe I should have at least waited until early tomorrow morning to test.

Either way, I'll know for sure Friday. 3 more days.

Any thoughts from those who have been through insemination?

Patiently Waiting

2009-07-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited. Of course I am.
Every night as I wait to fall asleep I imagine what it will be like to go to the doctor on Friday, have my blood drawn, and then receive the exciting phone call Friday afternoon saying "you're pregnant!".
I imagine getting to share the news with Lance and then after all of the praise and thank you's to God I imagine having to wait until that next 8 week appointment to find out if the pregnancy is still alive.
That may be an unexpected statement, but that was our experience in October 2007. So instead I imagine attending that 8 week appointment and seeing a huge healthy heart beat, maybe two. I'm not thinking greedy - just keeping the possibility in mind due to the number of "ripe" follicles we had at the time of insemination.
After seeing that beautiful blink on the sonogram screen, I'll let myself begin to imagine everything that goes with having a baby from whether it will be pink or blue, to the decor I might consider for the baby's room. This time I'll get to dream about how Cannon might receive his little brother or sister and whether Elsie will spend her days sniffing the new baby's toes just as she did Cannon's.
Until then...
It's only Sunday. And God knows exactly what that news to me will be on Friday. He's known all the plans He's had for me before I was ever created in my mother's womb. Having another miracle, especially for Cannon to be a big brother, is what we want. BUT, one thing I have learned through my Christian journey is: if what I wanted was not in line with what God planned for me, then it wasn't a perfect plan. When I've listened to God and allowed Him to work in my life the way He has planned to, things have always worked for the better - whether I saw first hand the results or not. I have faith that God's plan is best. I know He's provided the medical support we need and we honor God by using that medical support responsibly.
I pray our journey to adding another miracle to our family has and continues to honor God. Whether Friday brings forth a positive or a negative through my blood work, the situation has been positive because of all we've experienced during our journey. It's been positive because we've prayed together and allowed God to lead us through the journey.

I believe it will be positive. .

I Love the Way

2009-07-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

I love poetry with brilliant rhymes, songs that draw me in with colored open'n lines.
I love rainy Sunday afternoons, being kissed by the sun, dream'n under the moon.
...the way the ocean feels at high tide, the gentle stillness of the sky.

I love the way You are so good to me.
I love the way You're so inspiring.
I don't know how You love me like You do, but I love you!

I love all the signs of city life, and marvel at the way the world just hurries by.
I love breathing the mountain air, climbing to the top and finding that you're there.
...catching glimpses of your mysteries, I find your finger prints on everything.

What I mean is...
I love the way You are so good to me.
I love the way You're so inspiring.
I don't know how You love me like You do, but I love you!

~ Ginny Owens...another favorite!

EndometriYUCK

2009-07-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

So while we wait for next Friday to arrive I am on Endometrim, a progesterone supplement/support drug. I'm not complaining - because I will, with a smile, take ANYTHING that will support a pregnancy. So, I'm NOT complaining. Just simply sharing. But yes, my nose is a little turned up.

Anyways, this Endometrim stuff STINKS! I've had every side effect ranging from extremely sensitive chest to cramps, bloating, and - well, a few others I won't mention. Ugghh! The best part is that if I am pregnant I'll take this stuff at least until week 24-25 of the pregnancy. I will take it with a HUGE smile, I promise. If I'm pregnant it'll be worth taking. Know what I mean? But for now it's just yuck!

Any thoughts on this? Anyone else share this not-so-fun experience?

Been There, Headed There, Curious - See Bottom

2009-07-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

Most of you who read this have either "been there", you could be "headed there", or you're simply curious. My plan for this month is to update this post solely, rather than writing a new post each time. It will be easier for me to document - easier for you to follow - and a simple record of the details one must attend to in order to go through artificial insemination. Let's get this not-so-much-of-a-party started.

July 5th spotting

July 6th spotting

July 7th no spotting. Am I pregnant? Cancel the baseline sonogram and instead go in for a pregnancy test.

July 7th 12pm finally start my cycle. I know I'm NOT pregnant before we get the $10 copay pregnancy test back from the office. So this is now officially Day 1 of my cycle and I can reschedule that base line sonogram.

*What is a baseline sonogram? It simply checks the lining of the uterus to make sure it's at its correct thickness. In addition it checks the ovaries to make sure there are no existing cysts. It checks to see how many follicles there are on the ovaries, if any, and how big each follicle is.*

July 8th Day 2

July 9th Day 3 8:00 a.m. drive 15 minutes to the office for the baseline sono. Lining looks great. Ovaries have no cysts. We're ready to proceed with gonal-f shots. $25 co-pay.

*What are gonal-f shots and where did I get them? Gonal-f shots come in the form of an epi pen. I give myself the shots just below my navel once day at approximately 6 p.m. Doc prescribed the shots and I received them (THANK YOU INSURANCE) in the mail in four big "cooler" boxes. Click here to see pictures from our first round of this is in October. The shots can cost up to $2,000, but my insurance only requested I pay $63.00!!!!!!! That's HUGE! The shot is designed to make more follicles on your ovaries open up as to prepare your body for at least one egg to be released by the ovary. My body does not ovulate (produce eggs) like it should so the hope is that the fonal-f will assist that process.

July 9th 6:00 p.m. administer the first gonal-f shot.

July 10th Day 4 5:30 p.m. Pack my shot in a lunch box with ice and take it to a birthday party. No, this was not the gift. 6 p.m. jump in the bathroom and administer the shot.

July 11th Day 5 6 p.m. administer gonal-f shot.

July 12th Day 6 6:45 p.m. yikes! I'm watching MTV's "16 and pregnant" and I forget to take my shot! I administer shot 45 minutes late. (How is it sooooooo easy to get pregnant when you're a teenager? I can't believe I'm watching this.)

July 13th Day 7 8:00 a.m drive 15 minutes for the second sonogram. The right ovary has three follicles measuring 12, 11, 10 and 4 follicles measuring 6 or less. The left ovary is still asleep. It has 7 follicles measuring less than 7. I'm sent home to administer shots for two more days and then I'll be back for another sono July 15th. We're hoping for more follicles to be open and for them to be a little bigger. HOWEVER, we don't want too many follicles open because you begin to run to risk and multiple pregnancies. If more than 4 follicles are "ripe" we will completely abandon the process for the month as my doctor says it is "medically irresponsible" to plan for that many pregnancies at once. Talk to you Wednesday. $25 copay.

July 14th Day 8 6:45 p.m. administer gonal-f shot with Cannon ewwwing and ahhhing.

July 15th Day 9 8:00 a.m. Lance goes with me to my sonogram and we have 6 follicles open on the right side. The three largest are 16.5, 15.5, and 14. There are still only a few on the left and they are very small. My estrogen level was great from my previous visit but drew blood to make sure the level is still rising. I'll administer a shot tonight and report in the morning for what will hopefully be my last sono. We're hoping at follicle that is 16.5 will be measuring 19ish and pray the estrogen levels are rising. If all follows as planned, I'll receive the ovidrel shot at the office tomorrow that will trigger me to ovulate and then artificial insemination will take place Friday or Saturday. Say your prayers!!! ($25 copay)

5:00 p.m. got a call from Dr. K. He says to reduce my shot from 150 to 75. We don't want to over stimulate the ovaries and my estrogen is at 900...so we don't want it going any higher.

7:00 p.m. one last gonal-f shot, hopefully!!

July 16th Day 10 7:45 a.m. My sonogram shows the right ovary that yesterday showed three follicles measuring at 16.5, 15.5 and 14 to now be measuring at 19, 17, and 16.5. (It's funny how the inner high school cheerleader in me comes out while we're watching the sonos. I'm chanting encouragement for the right ovary and all but booing the left one!) The other follicles on the right side are smaller and the left ovaries' follicles are all still small. My uterine lining increased to a measurement of 11 (I apologize. I only know numbers on everything - not units of measure) and because we dropped the gonal-f shot to a lower dose last night, the 11 is a surprise. The uterine lining usually drops a number or two as a result of the lower dose of gonal-f.

The follicle on my right ovary measuring 19, my estrogen level jumping from 300 to 900, and the uterine lining measuring 11 are all optimal conditions to begin the artificial insemination procedure. Nurse Tammy gave me my shot of ovidrel which will trigger ovulation in the next 24-36 hours. ($25 copay)

We have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:15 to collect Lance's "friends". The 90's song, "Let's Here It For the Boys" is all that keep running through my head. After Lance gives up some friends at the hospital in Plano, we'll head back over to Dr. K's office for the insemination. All should be done by noon.

I'll start a daily dose of progesterone Saturday in order to support the possible pregnancy. I'll remain on the progesterone until we find out if I'm pregnant...and if I am, we'll remain on them at least until week 24 of the pregnancy.

We'll go back in to Dr. K for a pregnancy test July 31st.

I truly appreciate your comments and prayers. I know people are reading, but to hear your encouraging words means a lot. Thank you.

July 17th (my computer has been out, sorry!) Day 11 11:00 a.m. The insemination went PERFECT. I didn't know Lance's "boys" had to have so many particulars right about them, but we found out they met all three criteria. He has 18 MILLION in this one "dose", they were fast swimmers, and were all regularly shaped. EIGHTEEN MILLION. Are you kidding me? The "boys" were collected around 9:15 a.m. but had to be "worked on" for about an hour before we could retrieve the capsule and take them to Dr. K's office. The actual insemination took all of 5 minutes and involved little more than a toy shot from a kids' doctor kit (or it could have even been called a turkey baster). Now we simply pray and wait until July 31st which is when I'll go back in for a pregnancy test. Oh, let me not forget the endometrin inserts I get to enjoy twice a day until then. They are the progesterone that supports the pregnancy....slightly important, but yes....slightly yuck! ($25 copay, $300 insemination fee, $168 sperm collection/preparation fee)

I've used the word PERFECT so many times in the post; however, everything about this month's cycle has been just that. In addition to all the "numbers" that have come back during our testing, my mom calling last Sunday and saying "got anything going this week? can we come see ya'll?" was very unexpected yet sooo nice because they were able to play with Cannon while Lance and I attended these daily appointments.When Lance and I walked in from the appointment, my mom and dad met us at the door and with Cannon we all circled up and my dad said such a sweet special prayer. My parents are amazing.

I can't close with out adding, we did have 3 large follicles and a fourth on the verge of being large by the time we inseminated (per Dr. K). All this means is that there is a chance 3 eggs could have been released. I'm praying for one healthy baby...but that prayer, in addition to anymore babies is all up to Him.

Your comments dropped me to tears. Literally. Knowing you all were praying so specifically at the exact time things could have been happening was awesome. Thank you.

July 19th Day 11 How hard should all these hormone treatments hit you? I've got such a mix of emotions running through me. In addition, I've done nothing but eat this entire week during the process and it seems each time I go on a hormonal eating binge, I manage to couple it with a lack of working out! Uggghhh! Which makes me feel even worse! Hopefully I'll get back on the wagon tomorrow (it always starts over on Mondays). I fell off today so hard I fell right in to TWO scoops of icecream! Yikes! 12 more days till we get news.

Here We Go, Again...

2009-07-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

After 5 1/2 days of missed work in October we realized we could not keep up with the fertility treatments until summer.
Summer is here.

Today is day 3 of my cycle and this morning my sonogram confirmed all is well and we're ready to start the gonal-f (I mean thanks to my insurance I'm saving $1,500 dollar) shots today. I'll administer the shots each day (with Cannon watching and cheering by my side) until Tuesday morning and then head in for another sonogram to see what kind of good the shots of done.

More to come Tuesday morning!!!

Day 30 on July 4th

2009-07-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

Our meeting with Dr. Ku went well. We "mapped" everything out to get started with artificial insemination as soon as my next cycle starts. And that's where I sit...waiting for it to start. Don't get excited. Sometimes she visits as early as Day 26 and she's been known to be as late as Day 39!!!

I've kept our guest bedroom pretty low key since we moved in 3 years ago - of course - in hopes that I'd be changing it to a baby room sometime soon. Three years and one bedroom overloaded with toys later, I decided to make the guest bedroom a play room for Cannon and change Cannon's room to a "big boy" room with a "big boy" bed.

After two days of long and hard work with this project (thanks Lance for the help!) up and down the attic stairs, painting this and that I stopped and looked up at the letters I'd painted on the playroom wall.

- IMAGINE -

I pondered this word for just a second before the tiniest thought crept up. "What if as soon I got all of this done, I got pregnant?" Imagine that. I just smiled at the thought. How could I not?

Here We Go Again

2009-06-04T19:21:00.001-07:00

We're meeting with Dr. K in his new office in Frisco tomorrow at 1:30 p.m. to get this party started. We're planning on a 3 month party with artificial insemination...but we're praying it takes fewer than 3. Timing has been great because although we were unsure when day 1 of this cycle would be, it actually ended up being today. So, we could possibly pick up right were we left off in October as soon as tomorrow. The other scenario would be to start the first of three months sometime around July 1st.

I'm excited about the process this time because I am more confident about what to expect, we have more money to put towards the procedures, and I'm out of school for the summer so I can be at appointments much more conveniently.

I'll let you know tomorrow if we'll be starting in June or July. Thanks for the prayers!

One Last Month

2009-05-11T18:10:00.001-07:00

Well, that Mother's Day gift I was hoping for didn't quite work out. Sooooo, we're now on Day 6 of our last cycle before we'll begin the artificial insemination. In other words, this is our last month to get pregnant before we start forking over the "big bucks". I know God's plan will prevail, just please keep our patience and understanding in your prayers. I'm excited to say that as of last Thursday we just paid our debt off. Debt that we'd been paying largely on for 55 months!!! So, if we have to move to the insemination process, the money is finally available. I love "blog world" and I know I'm supported with prayers here and with our church family. Please know my prayers are with those who are yearning to become first time mothers and those, like myself, who pray daily for another miracle. I pray for you and your families daily. Just yesterday, I heard good news from a friend who's been trying for a couple of years. She miscarried last spring but is now four months along with a beautiful pregnancy! Lots of love to her and her husband. They are such precious people.
Have a wonderful rest of the week! Happy Monday!

Swine What?

2009-05-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

Are you serious? I have nothing else to say.

Exactly a Month Ago

2009-05-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Since this waiting game is on a month-to-month basis...here's the "May" update. Since finding the lump, we're still off of fertility drugs and still plan to do artificial insemination July-September. As for this month, I did in fact ovulate WITH OUT the drugs! Yea!!! Saturday will be day 28 of this cycle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Mother's Day will bring a positive. Wouldn't that be a sweet little gift!

So Here's the Scoop

2009-04-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired and need to go the sleep - but I wanted to update this blog in case anyone is wondering about the previous post.

I'm sharing this to raise awareness among women in my age group.

I found something "not normal" in my breast two weeks ago. I went to the doctor the next day and she agreed, something didn't feel right.

I was left to wonder and pray about it for exactly a week until I'd go in for an ultrasound to get some clarity on the situation.

I know it sounds crazy, but I didn't pray "God make it all go away" . But instead, during that week I prayed that God would use the situation ANY way He needed to so that I would have the opportunity to glorify Him.

Before the ultrasound we shared what was going on with few people as to not alarm people until we knew from the ultrasound that that was necessary.

In the midst of this week before the ultrasound, we thought it would be best to stop all fertility drugs and begin to avoid a pregnancy just in case this mass turned out to be cancer. After all, I didn't want for this to be the winning month for a pregnancy, and then have to deal with cancer at the same time. We were a little bummed about stopping the drugs, but we were certainly more concerned with my health at the time.

Tuesday finally came and revealed only a 10% chance that the mass could possibly be anything at all - and that would be determined by a mammogram - which can only be done when I'm 100% positive I'm not pregnant. That, of course, can't be determined until my next cycle begins. Soooo, as soon as that happens I'll be scheduled for a mammogram.

Because of this interruption in the fertility drugs, we've decided to stop them completely until we begin the artificial treatments in July-September. Of course the break is always nice - but you almost feel like you're experiencing the whole "2 steps forward, 1 step back" thing when you have to stop taking them.

What I want you to take from this post is that just yesterday, I was 21.
Now I'm 31.
No, I'm not old - however, I'm no longer...well...21.
Make sure you're doing those "self breast exams"! Next time you pop in your OB's office for the yearly "girl talk" make sure you study that poster that will teach you how to do the exam. It's important. I did learn that 80% of breast cysts found in woman my age are benign and that they are more commonly found and removed in woman my age than I would have expected.

And, talk. Talk to your mothers, aunts, and grandmothers. Lots of those things are hereditary and you'll become even more aware of the need for the exams if you understand your history. The only reason I found my "abnormal tissue" was because of a conversation I had with a friend. She said her daughter had found a lump while doing a self-exam and then I went home that night thinking, "Hey. Maybe I ought to start doing these". Sure enough I was making an appointment the next morning.

Thank you for the prayers. I appreciate blog angels.

The Breaks

2009-03-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

As of day 8 of this cycle, we've completely thrown the breaks. As a matter of fact, we're preventing a pregnancy for the rest of this month. I'll explain more soon. Reasons behind this decision would be an "unspoken" prayer request. I know how blog world works, so thank you in advance for your prayers.

Good Gravy

2009-03-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Ya. I say that sometimes. I say it especially when it's been this long between posts and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has changed. No worries. Still smiling. That's me! I'm starting another round of clomid as of today. I guess that should tell you the last 85 rounds of it didn't work. I know. I'm laying the sarcasm on thick. The last 2 did not work and this is my last prescription before we..., well, before we...try and decide what to do next.

Not sure what we're going to do anymore. 6 months ago we had agreed not to follow the steps to IVF, but instead go through with 3 rounds of artificial insemination this summer and if we weren't pregnant then, we'd completely stop trying to get pregnant with a doctor's help. BUT- I'm looking in to it. I want to do my own "research" on IVF may it be through the Internet, through blog friends and/or personal friends.

Please pray with me too, about other options God might have in mind for us regarding adding to our family. I've had a lot of time to think this spring break, and I just want to make sure we're opening our hearts to anything God might want us to do. There are so many children right here in the metroplex area who do not have homes or who are in homes where they are hurting.

As always, if something changes - I'll post it!

Day 35 and Day 1

2009-02-09T16:46:00.001-08:00

Today was day 35 of the last cycle (a week late), but it's now also day 1 of the next cycle.
Here we go again with my three close friends Chloe, Esther, and Paulie AKA Clomid, Estrogen, and Progesterone. I pray we get pregnant sometime before May as that is when we'll go back to "the shots" if my three friends haven't done the trick. Really, I know God has a plan.

**Rewind and Catch Up**

We did "the shots" in October but quickly realized I didn't have enough days to take from work in order to be at the dr. office as much as needed for the treatments. When I didn't ovulate November and December we decided to at least get back with my three "friends" so that we could at least make sure I was ovulating. If a third pregnancy is not successful by May, then we'll spend three months back on the infertility treatments (shots and artificial insemination).

Between now and then we'll pray for God's will and guidance to take the route in which we believe is His will.

Thank you for checking on us and sharing this journey with us.

In Case You're Wondering

2009-02-05T18:41:00.000-08:00

It's day 31 of my cycle and nothing. I haven't started. I have tested negative. That may sound odd to you but the two times I have been pregnant I tested positve on day 28 or 29.

I will say my hormones are RAGING! It's as though I pumped my body full of hormones since day 3 of my cycle and now they're all caged up and either can't wait to "get out" through my cycle...or continue on with a pregnancy.

Anyway, just thought I'd give you an update. Will write more when I know more.

Help! I'm Stuck and I Can't Get Out!

2009-01-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

I use www.thecutestblogontheblog.com and I've changed the background on both blogs numerous times. But for some reason this Christmas background is stuck on this blog and I can't get it off!!! I've tried all I know to do. Any ideas?

Back on Track

2009-01-22T18:08:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to drop a line saying that after 2 months of not ovulating, we thought the least we could do was get back on the clomid to ensure I would ovulate each month between now and summer which is when we plan to start on the shots again. I started the clomid and her two friends this month (estrogen and projesterone) and yea!!! I ovulated!!! We'll see if it's "the right time" closer towards the end of January.

Of course, I'll post right away-either way.

Who Am I Kidding?

2008-11-30T16:03:00.001-08:00

I'm writing this entry with a sarcastic, but realistic grin. If there was such a organization as BA..kinda like AA...I might have to attend. Bloggers Anonymous. Ya know, for people addicted to blogging.

Due to excessive time spent on the computer, I have had to reevaluate why I started a blog to begin with and that was, of course, to keep friends and family up to date on Cannon and our family's adventures. I've done mostly that at www.lembergfamily4.blogspot.com But then when we began infertility treatments for a 2nd child, I started this blog as I didn't figure some people would want the day to day details of us "trying". We've since stopped the treatments and now my posts on this blog have been rather random. (Maybe the marathon jewelry post put me over the edge). I'm spending time blogging that could be spent with Cannon. So....I'm down to keeping up with the family blog only.

If and when we ever get pregnant again, I know I'll enjoy sharing it on our family blog...so as of today...I'm officially moving all "thoughts shared" to our family blog. If this is the only blog you read, please link my family blog to yours. I don't want to lose touch with any of you!

Merry Christmas and Happy 2009!

Out With the Turkey, In With the Tree

2008-11-26T17:22:00.000-08:00

As of tomorrow evening, our little pilgrim will officially be counting down the days until...

...Santa visits and we exchange gifts to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
Click here to read my special Thanksgiving Thankful Thursday post.

Back to the Original Topic

2008-11-19T04:44:00.000-08:00

Here we are, the first month all on our own, and as of day 21 according to those nifty little sticks I still have not ovulated. We've committed to no fertility drugs until summer, but it will be very interesting to chart how many months I do or do not ovulate between now and then. I would jump back on the clomid in the interim but I don't want to introduce more hormones to my body than necessary due to how they are supposed to make that fibroid grow faster. I'd rather wait until our work schedules accommodate spending a lot of time at the doctor's office (summer) and just giving my body a larger dose of the hormones all at once.

-Just thought I'd give you an update.

I Can't Help It, I'm Cheating

2008-11-12T18:15:00.001-08:00

So I just adore the "Thankful Thursdays" I've seen on several blogs and I love them so much I couldn't wait until Thursday to post! We actually have plans tomorrow night and I'll be away from my computer this weekend. So....I'm cheating.

I wanted to think about things I'm thankful for outside of the obvious...my son, husband, and family. So here goes....

#1 I'm thankful for sunrises. I love love love love mornings. I wish it wasn't my only time to exercise and catch up on house "chores". If I could, every morning I would sit in silence for just a short time (I can't keep quiet for that long) and just watch the sunrise. I'd enjoy a cup of coffee (okay a venti pumpkin spice latte) with Papa (I'm referring to God. Have you read The Shack?) and then I'd start my day. For now, I'll enjoy the sunrise while I drive to work and spend time with God as most toddler mom's do...any second I can!

#2 I'm thankful for Blogger. Being thankful for Blogger makes me thankful for 4 special people. Cara introduced me to Blogger by mentioning it to me several years ago. I remember thinking, "There's no way I could do that". I'm thankful for Kristi for getting me started on "posting" through googlepages.net. It was so much easier to use when I first started posting and Kristi walked me through it. Thanks to Mel for designing my blog in the beginning and thanks to Alyson for teaching me how to make it cute by myself so I could stop bugging Mel to do it for me!!!
Anyway, thanks to Blogger, I've met some amazing women. My faith has been strengthened. I've learned I'm one of thousands with similar experiences, feelings, goals, and plans. I love meeting these women when it's convenient while planning around my daily responsibilities

#3 I'm thankful for the two friends I've had the longest. I met Katie and Beth when I moved to Sonora when I was in the 2nd grade. I have memories with them starting in the 3rd grade...and wow...that's been 24 years ago! I'm so thankful for 2 people who truly know me inside and out. The last time we got together-July-we shared even the most intimate thoughts and experiences from our childhood. Kinda like things we'd stored up over the years....looking for the right friend to share it with....but then coming full circle to share it the oldest friends we'd had. We've grown up to be different people - yet so much the same. I love these two ladies (yes, that's what we are now girls....sorry) dearly. I love their families as an extended family and I'm so proud of the women they have become. They are both strong, amazing, women and have been such good friends to me. I love you both!

...and 12 years ago...
#4 Oh gosh. I'm sooo thankful for this book by Mckinney First Baptist's preacher, Dr. Jeff Warren. Since I can't watch the sunrise and have my quiet time on my back porch, I instead start my day on the treadmill reading "Live Forgiven". It's the reality check we all need. It's the "meat and potatoes" some of us are looking for, and it's the truth. I referred to this book in a previous post as being a major factor in the change I've felt in my heart lately. Thank you Pastor Jeff. I'm thankful for you and your book.

I'm most thankful for God's grace. My prayer each day is to live forgiven and show grace in the short sweet daily interactions I have with others. I'm so thankful I'm getting to know God in a deeper way. I'm so thankful for experiences that have occurred in my life that have turned my attention to the need for this new way of living.

P.S.

#6 I know I said I'd skip the obvious....but I have to include one. Cannon has this thing lately with putting a chubby, often dirty little hand on each side of my head and turning my head to kiss me on the lips. He'll then say, "Mommy you're beautiful!" If I don't give him the reaction I gave him when he first did this (my mouth fell open, I covered my mouth, and then said "ooooohhhhhhh Cannon! You're so sweet!!!!") then he'll say "Mommy! Open your mouth real big and say 'Oooooohhhh, Cannon. You so sweet!'. He must have loved my reaction.

I'm thankful for the spontaneously sweet things Cannon says. It's as if God speaks to me through Cannon for He knows exactly what I need to hear and when.

Thank you for reading this post! -goodnight-

Still Thinking

2008-11-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

So just because we've decided to wait on the fertility treatments doesn't mean we're not still desperately "trying" and it certainly doesn't mean that my day to day experiences don't lead to thoughts of "what if we already had another one" ...or...."so what will this be like when we have another one".

I know God has a plan for giving us the "one month" experience He gave us and I know that IF it is His plan for us to bring another life in this world then it will happen "naturally" OR God will move our hearts back towards the fertility treatments and it will happen that way.

When four of my friends have become pregnant in the last month, each of them was very thoughtful in sharing their news for fear of how their news would effect my feelings. Each of them has hesitated to share their sweet news with me, so please keep reading.

PLEASE know that through this, and other experiences, my faith and trust in God has grown even deeper than before and I don't want to be pregnant before God wants me to be. Does that make sense? I mean I'm REALLY okay with not getting pregnant now because I know it's not the right time. Please don't hesitate to share your amazing news with me. I shed not one tear of sorrow for myself but many tears of joy for the miracle you, my friend, are experiencing. I would hate to miss out on one minute of your joy for any reason. From seeing those 2 pink lines to each and every step your pregnancy takes....everything is SO EXCITING and I don't want to miss out on anything.

So please, let me pray for you and with you. Share with me. I want to hear the details. It's such an amazing and miraculous experience.

A New Direction

2008-10-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

A in-home pregnancy test yesterday said negative.

Lance and I did some talking.

I called this morning at 7:30 and canceled my 8:00 blood work and consultation with Dr. Ku. Here's why.

We didn't choose to start the road to artificial insemination at this exact time of the year, but the miscarriage last fall and then the 6 months of clomid that followed the steps leading to artificial insemination took us to starting our first cycle of treatments to October 1.

Now that we've been through one cycle of the treatments that lead to the actual insemination, we've decided to postpone all fertility treatments to June 1.

Waiting until June 1 gives us 7 months to continue to try naturally...which, keep in mind...I've been pregnant twice on my own with out any kind of treatments. We carried our first to term and have Cannon and obviously lost the second one...but I have many friends who have experienced more than 1 miscarriage. The more people I've met it almost seems as though more women have experienced at least one miscarriage than woman who haven't.

Also, starting again in June will allow me the freedom to make doctor's appointments at my convenience without planning around work and therefore missing so much instructional time with my students. In addition, we can use the money that we usually pay for Cannon's preschool towards the fertility doctor bills since he doesn't attend the preschool in the summer months.

I know that my feelings towards everything would be so very different if I did not have Cannon, but because we do, I think it's easier to "wait". Wait until more conditions are favorable to go through the necessary steps required to enter into the process of artificial insemination again.

We will, between now and June continue with ovulation kits and charting my response to those. We believe, thus far, that ovulation is the area of concern and we're some-what convinced that even with the treatments last month I still did not ovulate.

Immediately after making the decision to wait on the treatments it was as if a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders as I realized to burden to follow "rules" was erased. Now Lance and I could go back to trying naturally while paying attention to my ovulation...and possibly enjoying that part of relationship again rather than it becoming an "appointment". But then the more I processed what we'd decided to do, I was a sad. I think I felt that the treatments were a guarantee to get pregnant (which I know is not the case) and that I was just pushing aside that guarantee for selfish reasons.

The more I thought and prayed about our decision, I know it was a great one. So many more less stressful factors will be in place by this summer that would allow the experience of the treatments to go so much smoother. I'm looking forward to trying again naturally, using the ovulation kits and then praying together and continuing to build our prayer life together.

Thank you so much for your prayers and please stay tuned fore info on trying...all by ourselves!!

Downer

2008-10-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

I had my blood drawn today to see if my projesterone level was rising. A rising projesterone level means a possible pregnancy. A low projesterone level could mean my body needs some support producing the projesterone to support a pregnancy or it means there is no pregnancy.

The nurse called this afternoon to give me my results and not only does she prescribe projesterone because my projesterone is low, she says Dr. Ku wants to schedule a follow up to make more aggressive plans next month.

"Ummmm, soooooo it sounds like you're telling me you already know I'm not pregnant". She was quick to deny she had any such knowledge, but instead expressed it was just a precautionary measure so that if I did start another cycle an appointment would be on the books to ensure a quick start on my next round of drugs.

I'm am so so so so thankful for Cannon. I truly cannot imagine enduring these emotions month in and month out while trying to conceive my first child. What a roller coaster. My heart so goes out to those who are in that boat. My heart and my prayers.

So I'm now taking Prochieve 8% suppositories until I go in for my October 27 pregnancy test. We'll also go ahead and meet with Dr. Ku that morning and schedule a more aggressive approach for next month just in case my news on that Monday is negative.

Remember, we're only doing this for 3 months.